In these infidelity situations, people get on someone for "spying" when they suspect a spouse is cheating and they check their email, or whatever.

It seems odd to assert that a cheater's "right to privacy" trumps the fact that she's abusing her spouse's trust in such a fundamental and damaging way. The private space automatically granted to another is what is being used against the spouse. The trust that is a reciprocal arrangement fundamental to the very nature of marriage has been breached, and "privacy" has been the primary means of the other person's undoing. The cheater has lied, broken vows, perhaps even publicly humiliated the spouse, and yet is still entitled to an inviolable assumption of email privacy. I just don't get why someone who is being wronged is somehow in the wrong for doing what is often the only thing s/he can do to protect herself. Seems a pointless criticism.

Anyway.

To LW: Lotta holes in the narrative, but like others have said, the lashing out and all that...That's tough to deal with, and what it signals is not positive. It is blame-shifting and denial, and I think people are right when they're saying it indicates a fundamental lack of ability and/or willingness on your wife's part to own her actions, and that the underlying message is inherently hostile to your own interests.

I have experienced exactly what you describe, and it's horrible to be betrayed then berated and torn down. It's cruel. And whatever is animating that...Well, that's obviously where the real issue lies.

All I can say is start by being entirely honest with yourself. Who you are, where you've failed, where you succeeded. Find your place in all this, the picture of you in all this that is really true.

Then, if you truly do love your wife, you can try to make it work, try to get her to engage, really meet her halfway, and at least know that you've done what was in your control.

But you have a right to be able to discuss the infidelity in therapy. It's a fundamental issue, whether as symptom or cause. If you're going to be as 100% honest about/with yourself as you can be and need to be, your wife has to meet you there for this to work. And it ain't gonna work if she continues to lie.

She has to want to meet you there. That will take time, sounds like. She has to still love you. And if she doesn't engage and deal with this head on, it's probably an indication she no longer does. Because if she does love you, then she can and will want to forgive you for whatever you're at fault for, and will want to find a way to face herself if she sees legitimate love and understanding looking back at her.

But if she continues on the same course, there is little, ultimately, that you can do, other than be the best you. And indeed, she may still love you—and yet be unable to face herself and own what she's done, rendering those feelings moot.

Don't stay together for the child's sake if the situation does not improve. As many others have noted, it will do more harm than good. The key is that if you do divorce/separate, that you both keep your daughter out of it as much as possible, and make her emotional well being your top priority. She will be okay, if you put her needs first in all subsequent decisions. It's not easy, but it can be done. It's not perfect, but it's better than condemning her to be stuck in the middle of an emotionally dysfunctional relationship and all its symptoms and emissions.

Don't enable your wife's emotional abuse. Be honest, be strong. Think about what love is, and where its limits lay. Yes, you owe your love your best shot. But you are also the one responsible for your own happiness, your own emotional well being. Don't leave that in your wife's hands.

Oftentimes, separating will get your spouse's

The best advice I saw in here so far was doing the deep think in terms of how you'd advise your daughter were she in your shoes.

meant to say:

"...separating will get your spouse's attention, and you'll have a much better understanding of what you're really looking at.

A buddy of mine, on getting his big-ticket law firm job: "Partner pulls me aside, and lays it out. You can make $250k+ a year, make partner, or you can watch your kids grow up. You choose."

As with most anything, if you aspire to be top dog, whether in the arts, business, whatever, there's usually a degree of self-absorption required. Basically, "You can be the best _______, or you can be a partner, parent, whatever." Unless "parent" or "partner" is what you insert in the blank.

Who wins, who loses, who pays the price, who gets ahead...These are all the things bobbing in the wake.

This has been and always will be the case.