I have no intention of having kids, but you are scaring the mess outta _me_. LOL!!

I just heard I'll be a grandfather. He did the "nasty" in the Spring. If anybody gets a DUI, watch maternity ward films of births? Is that what Keith Knight is suggesting? Yes. I agree.

Mom's who abstain from booze and other illegal for 9-months deserves a Whiskey 5th.

For good Effort... Whether the pregnant Lady break Keith's neck pre-birth, poor K.K. Or.

if WayLaw knocks the lights out of Keith Knight.... Maybe name the "little gem" child, Ajax? Comet? Lemon Pledge?

Toddler Baby Lawyer?

Name the baby, Gem?

When breast feeding ends, Keith needs to buy the baby a pet mom goat? The diaper will be heavy-duty full of goo.

Sell videos off KK scrubbing a nice greenish brown mess. Use cloth diapers and wash by hand.

Hang diapers in the sunshine on a hemp rope. Keith Knight can use hemp rope in the Tinder Box to light a pot of water to scrub poops with. He can have neighbors drop of their soiled cloth diapers to wash. He'll be a "Diaper Scrubber" cartoonist.

Remember. No smoke the clothes line rope. That's illegal.

'Cause if you mess up and your baby is born incorrectly, the doctors will push the kid back up there and make you do the whole thing over!

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

The truth is all of these classes make very little difference. The kid comes out the way he or she plans to do it, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

I remember my first son. My wife started labor, and I dutifully counted the timing between contractions. We were told to count form the end of the first to the beginning of the second, and when contractions start, they will be five minutes apart. However, I kept coming up with two minutes, and I knew that couldn't be right. So, I started timing from the start of the first contraction to the end of the second contraction. Yup that's five minutes, and it agrees with my notes.

For four hours, I sat there telling my wife "Breath honey. Remember to breath." The only reason she didn't hit me with the nearest blunt object is because she was in too much pain. I kept referring to my little note card that I wrote that had the various stages of labor. Labor just started, I kept telling myself, but everything seems to show that we are at the end of the process. That can't be right!

After four hours of hard labor, our son was born. I had a long talk with him when he got older about how disappointed I was for doing the whole birth all wrong and how Mommy and Daddy held up their part of the deal. But, at that age, he simply gurgled and spit up some peas.

We spent so much time studying how to correctly do the birth, and how to breath, and how to do massages. The big problem came when we stepped out of the hospital with our new son and suddenly realized we had no idea what to do next.

It is ironic that we spend so much time learning about a process that pretty much happens on its own anyway, but absolutely no time on what to do for the next 18 years.

whenever a couple asks if i want to see a video of their child being born i say "no thanks, but if you have any footage of the conception i've got a few minutes."

There were two births on it. One was a black lady who had a very easy delivery. The other was an older white lady who screamed like a banshee and bled a lot. People were leaving the room feeling faint. Anyone out there get the same video?

Did any of the videos feature the occurence of the most wonderful of all childbirth phenomena?

Yup, that's right...say it with me now: Pre. Birth. Turds!

We live in Tokyo and I went with my wife to the Japanese child birth class. The video they showed had mom, the doctor and a couple of nurses in the birthing room. The nurses role? They cheered. "Gambatte, gambatte" - literally "Do your best" or more idiomatically, "You can do it, you can do it".

We had no such nurses present at our children's births, I am happy to say.