Letters to the Editor
Clarimonde
Published Letters: 32 Editor's Choice: 10
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Telling the truth is a nice idea, BUT...
[Read the article: Take my virginity -- please!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm in the "Tell the truth" camp but not the "Be patient and wait" camp. I vote for "Tell the truth, but be proactive."
What I recommend for this young woman is to place a personals ad, stating very frankly that she is looking to lose her virginity to a caring lover. For whatever reason she is not finding any luck with young men in her own circle; I suggest she broaden her horizons. Placing a personals ad will bring in men who aren't scared of having sex with a virgin, and at the same time she can be honest with her partner about her virginity so he can be patient and gentle with her. (Of course, screen the applicants, meet Mr. Likely in a public place first, use condoms, etc.)
By that same token, if she doesn't want to place a personals ad, perhaps she might gain from broadening her real-life horizons. Is there something about the men she is approaching now? Are they all a bunch of good-looking yet shallow yuppies who want Mata Hari in bed with them? Perhaps a more down-to-earth choice of man is warranted. The LW doesn't need to lose her virginity to her true love, just a nice man who will treat her with consideration and to whom she can tell the truth.
In any case, the LW shouldn't mythologize her first time in such a way that only Mr. Perfect will do. Go for Mr. Right Now. He needn't be the one you want to marry or even date. He can be older or younger than you, in a different social class, not looking for a relationship. (Unless the LW is, in fact, looking for something long-term.) Believe me, losing your virginity isn't going to be a romance-novel experience. Don't hold out for Mr. Darcy.
If you're fishing and have to throw all your catch back it's a signal you're fishing in the wrong pond.
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From a feminist who is not a fan of Maureen Dowd
[Read the article: Scary screeds about Maureen Dowd, written by threatened men]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I think that Dowd's book was shoddily written and poorly researched. Ms. Dowd is undeniably attractive and intelligent, so if she can't get married it's probably her decision and her choice. I'm sure she has had plenty of opportunities. But her book was based upon a tissue of anecdotes, pop culture and dubious pseudo-science, and cannot be generalized to the experiences of Jane Average in Topeka.
As for John F. Ross - something tells me he's not exactly beating the young hotties off with a stick. That "Women have an expiration date" attitude is not exactly catnip to the ladies, young or old.
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Where is dad in all this?
[Read the article: I wish my stepchildren would go away]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]In all the vilification of the stepmother, very few people have raised the most important question - Where is dad? Why isn't he taking over the primary parenting role for his kids, since HE is their biological parent?
One of the things that creates HUGE problems in stepfamilies is when a father basically hands the kids off to his new wife saying "Here. You are woman. You are nurturer. YOU take care of the kids. I'm off to have some ME time!" Sorry, but divorced fathers do not get "me" time when they have their kids. When there is a new stepmom in the picture - even if the dad and stepmom have custody - it's dad who has to step up (pun intended) to the plate and be the primary parent, at least at first until the blended family jells.
Even non-custodial dads should be the primary parent when the kids visit. Really, even the most saintly and loving stepmother will get resentful and angry if dad sloughs off all the primary parenting responsibilities onto her. The stepmother is left in the position of household burden bearer, as she has all the mothering responsibilities for kids who might not love her and whom she might not love.
If LW's husband is one of those distant, TV-watching, out-with-the-buddies, "Me Time!" fathers, then shame on him too. The kids are his responsibility as well as the LW's. I think family counseling, learning to work together *as a team* and, ideally, hiring a cleaning service even just once a month, will really help this family.
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How can one afford it?
[Read the article: We're married, but do we have to live together?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Perhaps this is because I live in the most expensive housing market in the country, but - how do people who "live apart together" afford it? They must either have money to burn or see it as pricey but worth every penny.
In any event, being able to get married yet live in separate houses/apartments seems like a luxury for the wealthy. I know a couple who had separate bedrooms (he snored, she was a light sleeper) but no way could they have afforded separate places, as they could barely afford their apartment.
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"Canoodling" was a bad choice of words
[Read the article: When is it time to stop "canoodling" with our children?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'll agree with everyone else here and say that "canoodling" was a really poor choice of words. It is a shame that ordinary affection gets misinterpreted as a creepy sexuality, but the word "canoodling" doesn't help matters.
It's a shame that the writer felt that she can no longer express affection to her kids. There's nothing wrong with hugs and kisses - except maybe not in a coffee shop! I wonder why the original author felt she had to restrain herself so. Does she herself get affection and sexuality mixed up? Does she have any outlet for her love besides her children? While familial affection is a lovely thing, it's dangerous - not to mention yucky - to displace grown-up romantic/sexual/partnership cravings onto one's kids. Children should not be partner substitutes.
The fact that the writer seems so afraid of turning into the Manchurian Candidate mother makes me think that there may be other issues here. What is the author afraid of that she feels she has to stop all gestures of affection to her kids? Her daughter gets comfort from stroking her mother's forearm - that's sweet and innocuous. I fear this author has issues that go beyond snuggling with her kids.