Letters to the Editor
borinquena
Published Letters: 228 Editor's Choice: 26
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Cary is right on
[Read the article: Should I stick with my girlfriend through her cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Do the right thing. Stick by her. It's not just for her benefit--you'll grow and change in ways you never expected. Maybe you guys won't last as a couple. But even then, don't abandon her. Be a mensch. Be a man. Open your heart. I work at a cancer center and I've talked to couples that have gone through hell together and they don't regret a thing. Even in the face of unspeakable pain and loss they experience the transcendence of love.
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RatherBRidin'
[Read the article: Should I stick with my girlfriend through her cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thanks for your post. It's good to hear a survivor's perspective.
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Ric
[Read the article: Should I stick with my girlfriend through her cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thank you for your post. It brought tears to my eyes. My best wishes to you and your wife.
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Been there
[Read the article: My mother is crazy and terrifying]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I've been in this situation and it's brutal. You're trying shelter your sister when you're barely able to take care of yourself.
First off, Cary's right--you can't "save" your sister. Young as she is, she's going to have to find her own relationship with your mom and her own way to cope. That relationship may look very different from the one you wish they'd have, but the reality is you have very little say in how the people you love interact with each other. The best you can do is to provide your sister with an example of a sane person. That will help her more than you know.
Second, make sure you take care of yourself. If you become a martyr and sacrifice yourself trying to help your sister, not only will you be setting a bad example for her, you're also going to do great damage to yourself. You may find therapy may be very helpful in giving you the support you need to stay healthy yourself.
Regarding "taking your sister away from your mother," you can offer to let your sister live with you, but don't be surprised if she turns you down. My sister did and it hurt like hell, but she was old enough to make her own decisions, even if I thought they were bad ones.
Finally, remember that if you turned out well your sister also has a good shot. My sister has finally found a career as a police officer and she loves it. She and my mother have a very different relationship than the one I have, but it works for them. I've learned to take a step back and protect myself while still letting them know I love them. It can be done.
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Regarding taking the sister out of the situation
[Read the article: My mother is crazy and terrifying]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"is a moral obligation to remove the younger sister from a situation that is making her sick."
That sounds good but in reality is very difficult to do. You could call child protection services -- I did -- but they are so overwhelmed they will only intervene in the worst cases, and sometimes not even then. Unless the child is being severely beaten, starved, or the parent is dealing/using drugs, the likelihood they will remove her is nil. That applies even more for a 16-year-old, who is only a year or two from being a legal adult -- agencies don't invest resources in kids about to age out of the system.
Older sis can offer to have younger sis move in with her, but my experience was that my sister refused to leave. Broke my heart because I could see how punishing and abusive it was for her to stay with my mom, but I couldn't force her to go.
In the real world, often the best you can do is set a good example. Do your best to lead a stable and healthy life. Keep in touch with your sis, let her know you're there when she needs you and provide her with a sounding board. Offer to help her but accept that you won't be able to control her or get her to do exactly what you think is best. Believe me, just having one sane person in her life will be invaluable. If nothing else, you're letting her know that there's an alternative to your mother's craziness.
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I was also married to someone like this
[Read the article: The sound of people eating drives me insane]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]And it sucks. I tried to be sympathetic, but having someone bark at you, "Stop making that noise!" at every meal is not the ticket to marital happiness. And no, I didn't smack to get a rise out of him nor did I chew with my mouth open, smack my lips, etc. Post-divorce, I now have a boyfriend who says that my table manners are so good that he feels uncivilized by comparison.
I do believe that the LW and my ex have a genuine hypersensitivity to certain sounds, but that doesn't absolve them of responsibilty to try and manage it. The LW needs to see a doctor and possibly a therapist to try and come up with treatment and coping strategies. It's not reasonable to expect everyone around you to change their behavior to accomodate the problem.
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Custom ear plugs
[Read the article: The sound of people eating drives me insane]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Custom ear plugs are molded to fit your ear canal and reduce noise without distorting sound. They are most often used by musicians but may also be helpful to people like the LW.
http://www.ultimateears.com/resource-guide/custom-ear-plug.html
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Dirk
[Read the article: Watch out for Mister Enlightenment! He's a backdoor man!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]That was freakin' hilarious.
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A woman who agrees with Cary
[Read the article: Watch out for Mister Enlightenment! He's a backdoor man!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Nice apology, but I'm a woman who understood what you meant from the beginning. And you were 100% right.
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Sex isn't just about novelty
[Read the article: I'm so mad at my ex I could explode!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]But people think it is, which is why marriages run into trouble on this issue. There is no possible way for your sexual partner to be new, exciting, mysterious, etc. after just five years of marriage, never mind 25 years of marriage. If you expect to be turned on forever in the same way as you were in the honeymoon stage, you will definitely divorce or cheat because your partner will inevitably dissapoint you.
If you're going to continue to have a real, vital sex life throughout marriage, there's a point where the sex really has to be about making love, about a physical expression of the emotions you have for each other outside the bedroom. The sex won't be as hothothot as it is when you're with a new partner, but it can be tender, warm, sweet, moving, deep and meaningful.