Letters to the Editor
SB
Published Letters: 367 Editor's Choice: 18
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DO NOT get married!
[Read the article: I want my fiancée's exes to die violent, painful deaths]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You're BOTH selfish and immature!
I was especially struck by "her latest boyfriend, whom she went on vacation with and had sex with while we were broken up last year" - WTF???
This isn't adult relationship behavior. This is at best teenage summer camp behavior, and more realistically, drama queen behavior. (side note: I use 'drama queen' gender neutrally)
Dare I ask how many times you broke up during the first year? And who slept with whom during those breakups?
Though I think the LW is a brat, both selfish AND immature, I'm inclined to (sort of) take his side here.
1. You don't have an obligation to have dinner, as a couple, with a single gent who's after the lady! Would you, LW, insist that your girlfriend/fiance/wife have dinner with you and a woman who was openly determined to seduce you?
2. You do not have to sleep in the same house as someone your fiance used to have sex with if you are uncomfortable with that. Either person should respect the wishes of the other under such a circumstance. Now, if you actually got along as friends it wouldn't be a problem, but given the circumstances with the other 2 exes mentioned here, suspicion is in order.
3. You do not have to "shake hands" with someone who injected himself into a break in your relationship. There's almost no chance that this was an innocent happenstance. I'd even bet she broke up with you just for the sake of this vacation. I would also bet that she instigated most of your first year breakups.
So, Immature, when you say "We had a lot of on-offs in the first year of our relationship, and I don't want to see any of the men she used to be with." does that mean it was - you, breakup, other guy, you again for a while, breakup, sleep with ex-boyfriend, you again, breakup again...etc?
It sounds like she has a whole stable of narcissist guys of various stripes, and you're one of them. Get out. Next time the two of you break up (it WILL happen) go with that. Get a therapist, work hard, and MAYBE you'll grow up.
PS - NO, you DO NOT have a right to a wife who cuts everything off with her exes. If she's sensible, she won't remain in contact with the awful ones. It wouldn't necessarily hurt you to meet 1 or 2 of her exes, and if you're all very mature you might become friends, but I'm not betting on that here.
PPS - Please DO NOT have children anytime soon, either of you.
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So...
[Read the article: Neoconservatism -- RIP]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If:
No one disputes that terrorism is immoral.
and
As everyone who has studied terrorism knows, powerless people turn to terrorism.
Then:
It is immoral for powerless people to turn to terrorism.
Right. Only the US, and our licensed franchisees are allowed to blow people up.
I certainly hope that the peaceful nonviolent protest option works out for them powerless folks.
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It's a good thing...
[Read the article: I want my fiancée's exes to die violent, painful deaths]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]... by the way, that there are folks out there who are calmer in their responses than I.
Before the therapy took hold, i.e. before I 'got it' and met my current wonderful girlfriend, I dated (should I say tried to date?) a couple of women with SERIOUS boundary issues. One charming, yet ultimately very scary person with full-on BPD and another with, apparently, HPD (it's related, there are reliable online resouces if you want to look it up). And I almost dated, tried to date, or was interested in a couple of others with similar issues ... it was a rough couple of years!
So now I find myself very attuned to, and rather allergic to, this sort of personality disorded behavior. I now find myself perhaps too quick to judge anyone who plays the 'free spirit' card as an excuse for doing things that can easily be expected to hurt feelings. I have little patience for people with these kinds of problems since they often can't see that they have a problem and/or just don't care to change. (By definition, people who lack empathy don't care about those whose feelings they hurt.) And by extension, I have even less patience for people who raise their children to be self-centered, lacking empathy, and who are generally damaged by lack of love and boundaries.
It seems like easily half of letters to 'Since You Asked' concern people like this. To me, they stick out like a sore thumb. It also seems like there's a definite difference between the responses from people who've been emotionally run over by one of these types, and those who haven't. (Those who advise "run!" or "dump him/her NOW!" probably have been run over, duh)
Anyway, y'all, read up on the cluster B personality disorders (Borderline, Narcissist, Histrionic, Anti-Social) and/or have one of these people walk all over you, and you'll see the people who provide the most work for advice columnists and cause the most grief for others (not to mention those who insist on running the world for the rest of us) in a whole new light.