It seems that you want absolute control over this aspect of your husband's life. Now, some people would see that as being bitchy and overbearing, the classic nagging wife. You may know that you are right, but trying to impose your version of reality hasn't been working, has it? Therefore, you should consider carefully exactly how important this is to you. By that, what I mean is, how much would you spend to change that behavior? Of course I don't mean spend money... Figure out the value to you, then open negotiations.

"Honey, I really want you to quit smoking. What could I do for you in exchange? Let's make a deal."

Maybe he won't take it seriously at first, but keep at it. This is what you want. What does he want? Feel free to low-ball him, but don't be surprised if he wants more than you expected. Also, don't try to limit the things he can ask for. Just decide if you can accept it. If not, make a counter offer in the same general area. In other words, if he asks you to lose 20 pounds, don't counter by saying that you won't ask him to do the dishes. Let him decide what he wants.

Formalize the agreement. Shake hands on it. It will be much easier to keep him to his word if you negotiate a good-faith agreement. You are fulfilling your end, aren't you? Then it's not a question of him ignoring your wishes, it's a question of him breaking his word. For some, that's a big deal. It also gives you a much clearer right to your grievance if he backs out. Of course, remember that he would have an equal right if you don't live up to your end.

There's another benefit here. Doing this will give you some insight into your husband's inner reality. Quitting smoking will not be something he will sell cheaply, so you'll learn what he really wants from your relationship. Maybe it will be something easy to give him; maybe it will be something hard. Maybe it will be a price you can't pay, but, in any case, you'll learn about the man you are supposed to be closest to. That can't be a bad thing, can it?

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. You can not be responsible for someone else's.

Making yourself unhappy in an attempt to make someone else happy is a kind of self-negation, a little, temporary suicide. This "friend" is not your spouse, your parent or your child. You owe her nothing. Stop caring. Move on.

The lesson is that you are vulnerable to emotional vampires. Start carrying some garlic.

1. Your economic responsibilities to your family suggest that staying in Europe is better.

2. There is no guarantee of advancement or happiness in the US.

3. These are chaotic times.

4. It's quite likely that two years in the US would be difficult and unpleasant for your family. Returning home would then require another adjustment. If you don't see this as a permanent move, you must weigh the cost of both adjustments.

You and your wife seem to be communicating well, but you don't seem to be considering all the options. This is not a binary decision. Stay in Europe and re-plan your lives to satisfy some of your desires. This may require your wife to give up on the country estate (or whatever). The basic impression is that you need to be a bit more of a farmer, less of cowboy, and that your wife needs to remember that life is short. Live simply, and take extravagant vacations. That's how we do it here in the ROK.

My sarcasmotor has overloaded. I want to write sexually inappropriate things, but will not. CT occasionally rewards us with brilliance and humor. Today was one of those days. Thanks for letting us see a few of these creative writing exercises from your fans here and there. One day I will work up to sending in my fake letter.

For me, the absolute worst part of my divorce (many years ago) was that I found myself responsible for our two dogs, but I was such a mess I couldn't take care of myself, much less the dogs. Sometimes it would be three days before I saw them again, that extra big bucket of food empty, their desperate happiness to see me, the pond slime growing on the bottom of the water bucket. Then, I would lie there in that yard, sobbing at the top of my lungs, and those dogs would lick me and pet me as I wondered if would be able to keep them alive, much less keep them happy. That was the last little piece of my heart to break. And I couldn't do it, but the gods took pity on me. Far better friends than I deserved stepped in and took on my responsibilities, and let me crawl up under the porch to see if I would live or not. And, finally, I did, and I'm happy. After 13 years, I'm just about ready for more dogs, too.

So, anyway, the only thing I'd add to CT's advice is this: Make a list of friends that you hope to be able to count on. Make it a long list because you just might find that some of those you put at the top won't belong there. On the other hand, you could learn to appreciate some others who you haven't thought about that much before. It's a great thing to know that you have a friend you can count on when you are at your worst. Learning who those friends are could be a silver lining in all this. Good luck.