I, too, thought that my job should provide some self-fulfillment. Do not go back to the states. Stay where you are, and bite the bullet on this job until you find something better.

Consider that all these other aspects of your life are currently going well, right? You are paying the bills, and apparently have time and resources for your interests as well. There is no dream job. There's just another job, and you won't get a better one by burning down your current life first. That's how people get trapped into service-job hell.

You know, one of life's greatest joys is having that conversation with your soon-to-be ex-boss where you give your notice. Don't deprive yourself of the ability to savor the details (the look of shock on his face, his inevitable undirected anger, perhapes even the "How can I convince you to change your mind?" moment) by quitting a job until you are absolutely confident that you are 100% prepared for what follows. If you have any lingering doubts, you'll get caught up in the stress of the moment, and it just won't be the same. But, oh, to be sure of one's self at that graceful moment, to sit calmly and smile as he searches for meaning in his suddenly inverted hierarchy chart! LW, how many times in your life will you have such a chance? I beg you, do not squander this! Send us an update with a glorious tale of awkward silences and awed onlookers. Polite smiles, and "I sorry, but I feel that it's time for me to move on."

Be an office hero, for us all.

LW, you are making good, and wise choices here. You are right to protect yourself, and you are wise to leave open the possibility of change. I do think that you cannot improve this relationship without some brutal honesty, however, and I think that a nice, long, carefully composed email to her is the way to go. You need to begin by laying out, in detail, your hopes for your relationship. Second, explain exactly what she has done to hurt you in the past. Third, tell her that SHE needs therapy if she wants to reconnect. Honestly, you don't sound like you need therapy to me. You sound like you need a best friend to say, "I know. I know. You did your best." Fourth, explain that simple self-protection requires you to limit your exposure, but that her future behavior will determine how much closer you will become. Finally, you should not issue this as an ultimatum, her "last chance". Actually, a likely response to this email will be a bitter hateful rant, like the ones you've already survived. So what? Just ignore it and follow your plan. You've already heard the worst she can say to you. She needs to heard the new truth about her daughter. Her initial reaction may not be her only reaction!

Life is a dance of intimacy with those around us, and you should be aware that you may one day (if things change) be happy to have a close relationship with your mother. Even if that never comes about, you'll be able to honestly answer your (natural, normal and misplaced) feelings of guilt with conviction: "I did my best to love her." That will be a lot more valuable to you on a long sleepless night in the future than the knowledge that you successfully locked her out. We cannot control the suffering that comes into our lives. We can only control how we react to it.

One final thought: be sure to warn friends about her, and protect them from her if necessary. Always take their side. Be especially protective of any lovers. NEVER leave them alone with her! EVER!

LW, exactly when and how did your father harm you? Why are you so opposed to being friendly with him? You list the bad things your mom did, but not one thing that your father has done. Why? He has withdrawn. Wouldn't you? Is it possible that you are rightly feeling guilt because you have, in fact, been party to a serious wrong done to the man? BTW, if so, you shouldn't hold yourself responsible since you were a child at the time. Now, however, you are an adult, and it is your responsibility to maintain your relationships sincerely and honorably. You continue to accept the gifts of your relationship with your father, but are wondering if your failure to accept the responsibilities of that relationship is wrong. It is.

Notice that I have not said that your dad is not an alcoholic, nor have I said that you must accept him as he is. I do think that you owe it to yourself to make a sincere effort to create a new loving relationship that deals realistically with all the issues in the family. Finally, I'd pay very careful attention to just exactly how your mom behaves when she realizes that you are rebuilding your relationship with your dad. Does she become hostile, or dismissive? Does she support you and try to help? Does she engineer scenes? You'll learn a lot about both parents by making such an effort. Moreover, they may well learn from the experience, too. If you make the attempt, the worst that can happen is failure. If you don't make the attempt, the worst has already happened. It seems a no-brainer to me.

Don't discuss. Don't allow responses. Create a ritual. Separate this from life and friendship. Use a stopwatch. Set limits. Balance the bad and the good. Refuse to participate outside the ritual space. Pretend this particular encounter has mystical meaning for you. Approach it as a sacred obligation. Pre-arrange the counter-obligation your friend incurs. Get drunk afterwards and watch Uncle Buck.

I'd ask Steele the First if he's available. Forget everything you read here except his first response. his first response.