I guess that a lawyer has to be a pretty goal-oriented person. Now, that's fine and all, but I think that fighting your way toward a series of goals doesn't add up to a very appealing lifestyle. That's what you should be thinking about IMHO. Music is not a goal. It is a process which has no pre-defined target. When your husband asks you where this is going, tell him: the grave. We're all going to the grave. That's why making music is good. It's a great way to wrest some pleasure out of life, without money or competition. As for your kids, I think they benefit from seeing their mom struggle to do something simply for the love of it. What greater result from a hobby is available than to help your children learn a better balanced, less consumeristic lifestyle?

Death mocks all our paltry attempts to build, but has no power over the diminished 7th. I learned that from my father.

The problem with this approach is that stories are, by their nature, narrow and simplified. They have a plot and a theme and a set of characters and a conflict and a climax and all that other happy shit that your writer's group will criticize you about. Life doesn't work that way. As CT says, you need to find a new story. However, this story needs to forget about all that conflict, climax and resolution crap. You need a road movie. Where are you going? Just get in the car and drive. Don't pick up those hitchhikers. You don't want a horror movie, do you? DO YOU? Now that I think about the tone of your letter, maybe you do...

I do, however, hope that you'll take the time to read about Viktor Frankl, his life and his teachings. (There is no doubt: This man was at least as familiar with loss as you are.) Read Man's Search for Meaning, and consider his idea that the only truly inalienable right is the right to choose our own emotional response to events. Only you can make yourself despair. Only you can give yourself hope. Now, go build yourself a safety net.

CT was exactly CT today, in the good way. But, simply put, here's the message:

Some people will hurt you because they don't care about anyone but themselves. Don't trust the words people say until you seen by their actions that they are trustworthy. Finally, and most importantly, you have the right to protect yourself by putting some distance (emotionally and physically) from such assholes. Don't shoot them, though.

You've correctly figured out that you have been acting as the prototypical "enabler", and you obviously recognize that this role is bad for you. Perfect. Everyone is in agreement. Time for a change. However, I want to suggest something slightly different from the majority so far. They all want you to just walk away from this guy, but It think that wouldn't really be a growth experience for either of you. Thus, I suggest you adopt another of the female archetypes, the righteous bitch.

You have every right to rip this guy a new asshole. He needs to have his butt kicked. You could also use this as an experiment in assertiveness training. Do NOT give him a 4 month countdown without further comment. Give him a 24 hour warning (Sweetheart, you were really nice to me and I appreciate it, but I need a man in my life, not a toddler) before you cut him off from all that is valued in his life. Stop feeding him and his friends. Stop driving him anywhere, except to the Home Depot parking lot in the morning (so he can work as a day laborer.) Don't give him a cent of spending money. Give him housework assignments in lieu of rent. Send him home to Mommy when he doesn't pull his weight. Revel in the feeling of righteous indignation. Push him to the point where he either grows up or runs away. Who knows, he might just man up.

Doing all these things, you just might find that you don't actually need to be a martyr. You may find that being fiercely self-protective is satisfying and confidence building. You may also find that the new you has more luck with that new guy who is waiting for you to get your act together.

1. Couples in secure, healthy relationships can tolerate being apart for finite periods of time because they know that simply being apart will not harm their relationship. Five weeks is a finite time for his wife, so no problem. Real love is not needy, clingy love. It is supportive, spread-your-wings-baby-I'm-right-here stuff. Real love is, foremost, wanting her to be happy, not just wanting to make her happy, see? This husband needs to decide whether he really loves his wife or not.

2. Clearly, everyone in a relationship needs to be explicit with the SO about exactly what their expectations are regarding electronic privacy. Then, there will be no question about whether it is acceptable to open that email, or read that chat transcript (like there's any doubt there... LW, you went way over the line of innocent behavior, all the way into suspicious, jealous, insecure creepy guy land.) Talk about it. Be specific. Then, remember: ethics are what you do when no one is looking. You can't stop people from disappointing you, but you can stop yourself from being disappointing.

Might be a voice this LW will hear.