You definitely need to get out of your own head and to get away from what reads like "liberal guilt" extended to liberal martyrdom. Life will change. One day soon, you won't be able to spend a week examining the changes of light across the various faces of the Bayon and you'll never understand how the taste of the jian bao changes completely when it is accompanied by all the sights, sounds and smells of jam-packed Shilin market. You'll never really understand the role of tourism in a country like Myanmar until you hear the calls for everyone to run to the "working" workshop as the boatload of 3-4 tourists arrives but then see the genuine happiness on everyone's faces when you spend your ten dollars or so on a few cool trinkets. Trinkets you'll treasure forever. Or visit a country like Korea and realize that the West no longer "leads" the world. Honestly, the world doesn't need your guilt. You need the perspective of a real international experience. (Someone else can tell you about all the things in Africa, Eastern Europe or South America you should experience.)

My best advice, though, is to take your time. Look at a few different places and find one that fascinates you. Learn the language. Get a job. Develop real relationships. You may be surprised at how little many of the "underdeveloped" want from us. I once had a long and beautiful with a Buddhist monk in a tiny village in the poorest country in Asia, where he lectured me about the uselessness of wealth and possessions. Then, he had the cats perform their acrobatics. Man, I wish MY cat could do a back-flip through a burning hoop.

Gosh, we just don't know. Maybe he's sending out you'd-better-be-careful vibes that you should heed, but maybe you're N times burned this time shy. How long have you been dating? How often do his eyes wander to follow the brunette while you're talking to him?

Anyway, I'd be wary of any guy who isn't into the whole smorgasbord of feminine beauty. Being hung up on brunettes sounds suspiciously like being hung up on one particular brunette from his past. I tell you, anyone who can't fall into lust with a strawberry blonde/green-eyed hottie, that's no man! Ask to hang out with his friends. Maybe there's an upgrade laying around somewhere. And unless you want to become his dominatrix, never buy a brown wig. I can just see those dominoes falling...

As all the preceding letters indicate, you obviously should leave him, immediately. The question that springs to mind, then, is why that is hard for you to accept. What's making you think that the best you can do for yourself is a relationship with a drunk/coke head? Yes, you need to leave him, but, at the same time, you need to do some serious self-evaluation. What's holding you back? Do you have some self-esteem issues? Or are you unable to attract other, decent men? Why? Your story reminds me of another woman I knew, whose weight problem and insecurity meant that she spend years waiting around in bars for last-call drag-off hook-ups. Then she complained about men being jerks. Maybe this isn't you, but I think you should consider what you should be doing to improve your life besides just dumping the loser.

Thanks to both of you for interesting and insightful posts. They reminded me of something that I learned at a racial awareness workshop in the 80s: White people are often afraid to recognize differences in white and black culture because they think that makes them look racist. Lots of well-meaning posters thus missed what I thought was the key issue here.

I would only add that he should prepare his coming-out carefully. First to his wife, in a controlled environment away from everyone, especially the children. BTW, saying "I'm a Jesus-admiring agnostic humanist" will only confuse people. Try being more specific. Here's my favorite: "I can believe that God's infinite love, wisdom and power could result in such a narrow path to salvation. I believe that God's love can transcend even the limits set by the church." Let them argue against God's love. Ha.

Otherwise, you piss me off. Our culture lies. There is no success. There is only life, followed by death. We all know this. That is not a bad thing. Stop measuring your life and start living it. Your boring husband? How bored is he with you? When was the last time you deliberately, wantonly seduced him? When was the last time you made his life fun? You were owed nothing in this life; life itself is a gift, one with a no refunds or exchanges policy. Why not like your free present?

You know, it is not impossible to reprogram yourself. First, though, you have to stop letting others program you. That means no more Desperate Housewives, American Idol, Larry King or Salon. (This website is bad for you. Not bad, just bad for you. It makes you think about all the things that aren't.) And no more social issues for you. Stop trying to be important. Focus on the concrete and local. Do things. I'd grow a garden if I were you, but not some mamby-pamby listen to the foodies garden. I mean an old-school, can some vegetable soup garden. Then, maybe, you could share the extra tomatoes with hungry people. Here's a good rule of thumb: if they ask what variety they are, don't bother. Find someone else. And that applies to whatever you do, not just tomatoes.