Letters to the Editor
ClaraWalpole
Published Letters: 34 Editor's Choice: 2
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I both sympathize and despair
[Read the article: My marriage was a mistake]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I also got married too young and fell out of love. I was also afraid of the reaction of my religious family. I got a divorce that I've never regretted for even a moment.
The man I fell out of love with was a liar, manipulator and abuser.
I know in my head that he was those things and I could tell you the stories of the lies he told or the times he "punished" me. My friends, my therapist, and my parents all have told me that was not acceptable behavior in a marriage. They've told me I was being hurt and misused. I believe them.
I don't know how I would have felt about him if he had treated me well. Because of how things did happen, I can't imagine NOT falling out of love with him. I can't imagine NOT desperately wanting my freedom. So I do sympathize with the feelings of the LW, even if they're based on wrong motives, just because I know what it is to want to leave a marriage so strongly.
But this letter also makes me uncomfortable, unsure of myself. I don't like to get into the details of my past relationship, I just say that it was not a good situation and I got a divorce. Now I can see the armchair judges lined up to condemn me, to assume that I was no different than the LW- just "got tired" of being married and deserted some poor guy who I'd never deserved.
I also doubt myself. Maybe what my ex did wasn't so bad and if I'd just stuck it out we could have worked things out. Maybe I left him too quickly because I really was immature and flighty, valuing some vague notion of independence over marriage. Certainly I know now that it was a mistake to marry him in the first place (although there was NO abuse until several months into the marriage; I was NOT the kind of person who was already in an abusive situation and thought marriage would fix it), but is the abuse my fault since I picked my abuser?
The independence I have now is infinitely worth it. Not just the freedom from the lies, but also the personal freedom that the LW wished for.
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Could it be that writing isn't your thing?
[Read the article: I get distracted by the Internet when I try to write]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I find it interesting that the LW described writing as the one thing she thinks she might be good at and the one class she really cares about, because nothing else about her letter suggests that she's a very good writer or that it's been a passion in her life.
Maybe she feels that writing SHOULD be her thing and that it's something she SHOULD do and SHOULD love and SHOULD be good at. And maybe it is, and she just didn't convey her passion very clearly. But maybe it's not. Sometimes we have trouble sitting down to do something because our heart isn't totally into it. It was something that we wanted at one point in our life, but now it doesn't fit us. And we have trouble letting it go, because we had expectations. Even when we weren't doing it, it became part of our identity.
I'd encourage the LW to finish the writing class by disconnecting the computer from the internet for an hour every day. Maybe it will spark something. But I'd also encourage her not to fixate on writing. If she has no problem sitting down and working on sewing and enjoying it, she should sew and not feel obligated to write just because she feels it should be her interest. If she spends an entire day sewing and doesn't write a word, she shouldn't feel like a failure. There is no obligation for her to do a certain type of activity, and the activity she may find she enjoys may not be the one she initially planned on.
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This is making my blood pressure rise
[Read the article: Hey, sister, empower yourself through submission]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Every time I see this racial stereotype, I just about blow a fuse. I need to back off and go beat up some men...
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LW == ME
[Read the article: I graduated, and I'm bored with beer pong, '80s playlists and Judd Apatow. So what's next?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm a little further along than the LW, but the feelings he describes in his letter are identical to what I've been feeling in the past year.
By a little further along I mean: I have a graduate degree, a full time professional job (that is flexible and enjoyable), I volunteer locally, and I live by myself. All those things are great.
I have no desire to get married or to have children, so like the LW, I find myself in a void where I have the desire but little opportunity to grow socially, culturally and emotionally with a community of adults who are going through some of the same things in life.
I don't know if this is the solution and I don't know where the LW lives, but I feel that moving to a larger city that is more friendly to young professionals will help me in the future. I live in a small town with few single young women and where many people find their social community through their church (I am not religious). It's not something I'll be able to do right away though- I realize that Cary's advice is theoretical, but sometimes he seems to assume that people have unlimited money or that they would be willing to assume a large amount of debt- and I would like to be able to find a bit more of a social life where I am for right now.