Letters to the Editor
ClaraWalpole
Published Letters: 34 Editor's Choice: 2
-
I was in this situation
[Read the article: My brother abused me -- now our parents want us all together again!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]After putting a situation of sexual harassment behind me through forgiving but not forgetting, I agreed under duress to let myself be in a situation where I would be in a social situation with my harasser.
It was a terrible mistake.
You can call me a weak person if you want. (I do feel kind of affronted at the insinuation that a strong person would have no problem being near around someone who had previously molested them, because what does that say about someone who does have a problem with it?) Like the LW feared, I was made out to be the problem when I needed to take my escape and said that I couldn't be near this person anymore.
I never reconciled with the person who coerced me into the situation. He never forgave me for not being willing to continue a relationship with my harasser.
Of course this is my personal experience and it doesn't mean it will happen to anyone else this same way, but don't forget that it's a very real possibility, just as real as the all the tear jerking motivation stories of the strong people.
-
it's not wrong to not want children
[Read the article: Will my boyfriend ever want kids and marriage?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I certainly think that two people entering into a committed relationship should be on the same page with regards to children, but I take offense to the suggestion that he doesn't want children because of envy, childhood trauma or other psychological problems.
Some people simply don't want children because they do not have an affinity for children or see childraising as the best way to use their time and abilities. Yes, some are selfish, just like there are selfish parents, but many have simply given priority in their lives to other things. As someone who does not want and does not enjoy children, I would far rather help adults who are no less worthy of my time despite not having me as a mother. Adults who can contribute to their community through learning to read, speak English and gain job skills to take care of themselves and their families are no less a blessing to others than a child of my own would be.
So if the LW and her boyfriend do not have the same goals in life, let them find people they would be more compatible with in a longterm relationship, but don't let's suggest that a desire not to have children is something that needs to be fixed or changed.
Instead of her trying to change him into becoming someone who wants children, why not suggest that she try becoming someone who is content to not have children? Why must he be the one to change if they are to stay together?
-
don't use your "dream" as an excuse for taking advantage of your friends
[Read the article: At 56 I want an art history degree]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I have limited sympathy for the LW, having been on the other side of the coin. I saw that one response mentioned being sure that the friend and brother would keep taking care of the LW if he went back to college, and the general tone seemed to be that they would be mean or unfair to not help him in pursuing his dream.
When you're the person continually bailing out an adult, letting them stay with you rent free, letting them eat your groceries, staying with them during your free time because they might be suicidal... and then it's insinuated that you might be selfish for not continuing to support this person while they go back to college instead of moving out and getting a job... What happened to my dreams? What happened to my interests and hobbies and social life? Oh yeah, I couldn't afford to have them anymore because I was busy taking care of a freeloader. But my dreams weren't important as long as he can go back to college and pursue his.
Don't get me wrong. I'd never kick him out to the street. I think that his mental health is more important than my hobbies to the extent that I'd stick with him until I was sure he was out of danger of suicide. But beyond that extreme situation, why should his personal happiness overrule mine? Why should my life and my salary go to fulfilling his dream, while mine are being left by the wayside? Can you tell I'm a little bitter?
So I completely disagree with Cary about prioritizing. Getting a job so you can stop freeloading off other people who also have dreams is much more urgent than making sure you can pursue your own. If you can do that, the people who care about you will be glad to help you out, but please don't tell people it's ok to take, take, take as long as they're finding their own dreams by stepping over the people they've drained.
-
the grass WAS greener
[Read the article: How can I convince my girlfriend that this is as good as it gets?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]When I was 23, I broke up with a wonderful boyfriend. He was cute, smart, funny and kind. He didn't abuse me, he wasn't an addict. By conventional wisdom, I shouldn't have broken up with him because how could a guy get any better than that? Thinking you'll find someone better is just immaturity and after all, you're not going to be young forever. Horrors! What if you get as ancient as 30 and you still haven't gotten married and started popping out kids? You'll be a spinster because no woman has ever had dating success after 30! Surely I was just a shallow bitch who didn't realize how good she had it.
Bull.
The ex-boyfriend is still a very nice person. But there are hundreds and thousands of very nice people in the world. No matter how good a person he was, he just wasn't the person for me, and no amount of trying would have made it so at any age.
I'm in a relationship now that fits much better. But even if I weren't, if I never found a better relationship, my relationship with myself would be the better relationship. Being single is better than settling just because he was "good enough" and you were afraid that you'd never get anyone better.