Letters to the Editor
ClaraWalpole
Published Letters: 27 Editor's Choice: 1
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not everyone deserves to feel good about themselves 100% of the time
[Read the article: I'm living in filth!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I really hope that the LW can grow up, continue getting help for her depression, and take personal responsibility. But why are we so into affirming what great people we are all the time?
It's not useful to keep beating oneself up over the past, but let's be honest about who you were really were in that past. I'm going to tell myself I was a great child whose parents were too harsh on me, because telling myself anything else would be bad for my depression? Give me a break. You can't really change unless you acknowledge that you have something that needs changing, and it's not just the carpets. If you spent your childhood being rude, disobedient and unloving, then yeah, you were a wretched kid. Don't lie to yourself. Depression is a terrible thing, but how much of this mess is a result of simple laziness, sloppiness, and self pity? Those are the things that need to change. Recovery from depression isn't going suddenly make you a great perfect whose problems were 100% not your fault. Stop looking at yourself as the victim of depression and unkind parents and start looking at yourself as a person who is taking responsibility of her own negative qualities and is changing them into good qualities all the time.
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draaaama!
[Read the article: I am the keeper of secrets]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"...being a confidante is fun. You get to feel all special and influential and wise and gifted without lifting a finger. The only problem is, you're none of those things. You're just a stick stirring a big ol' pot of somebody else's shit."
I'm saving this so I'll remember it, because the wording is great.
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Don't act too good to listen to other people
[Read the article: I'm a college student with no natural social skills]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't know if this a specific problem for the LW, but I've found that it's a common problem among introverts, including myself. Since many introverts have a rich, thoughtful inner life (and those who don't can maintain the illusion of mystery by not talking a lot), it's easy to believe oneself superior to many of the extroverts who seem to be constantly prattling on about "nothing".
So social skills may not be just about imitating and posturing, but about humility and respect. That doesn't mean that one has to spend hours listening to loud self-centered bores in a one sided conversation, but before you judge someone as merely a loud-mouth, try to find out what kind of person they are inside. You may be surprised that they're every bit as deep and thoughtful as you are.
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Good advice from Cary
[Read the article: My mother-in-law put a curse on us and spat in my husband's face]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Although I am not superstitious and don't believe in curses, I think that Cary's advice was the right advice for immediate action.
In the future, the LW would be wise to evaluate her belief in superstition, but that is a process that could take a lot of time and consideration. It's not fair to expect her to change her deeply held beliefs instantaneously. She could face a long time of mental anguish and doubt in struggling to disbelieve the curse. Doing something for immediate peace of mind so she can deal practically with the hateful MIL will let her take steps to getting her life together, even if the first step is a placebo.
I personally like the idea of getting a blessing and advice from a Greek priest because a blessing is a positive solution and doesn't involve threatening the MIL and may even impress her. Cursing her or creating a voodoo doll will only make the relationship worse and becoming an ugly person to fight an ugly person is not a true solution. As far as pretending to be a quiet, submissive person until you fit in... just YUCK. That's not selfless compromise, that's going back to be a doormat.
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Talks big about his future with no plans to acheive goals?
[Read the article: I'm a med student, but my boyfriend has just a high school education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Two things concern me about this letter- one thing is about the LW and one thing is about the BF.
What concerns me about the LW is that she pressures the BF to go back to university or trade school. That says to me that she's already actively dissatisfied with the BF and won't be happy until he conforms to her idea of success.
What concerns me about the BF is that he talks big about his future but isn't able to follow through. I'm sure I'm setting myself up for criticism, but I strongly identify with the LW- I'm a woman with a graduate degree who has almost always dated educated men. Although it may be an unfair comparison, the BF sounds a lot like a man I once dated. What broke us up was not his lack of education, but his delusion about the things he was going to accomplish. He was a sweet and kind person, but finally I just got sick of listening to him talk with no action.
It seems that when a LW has an incompatibility with a boyfriend or girlfriend, we feel obliged to label one of them as the bad person, as the problem in the relationship. But sometimes two good people would just not make a good marriage (could you marry ANY nice, considerate guy who loved you?). He married a woman who thought he was brilliant (and he's still always talking about his big plans but is no closer to achieving them) and I'm dating a guy who's getting his PhD but is not obsessed with working. We're both happier than we would have been together.
As far as the LW dating many people, this also doesn't suggest to me some kind of over-pickiness or character flaw in her. She probably dated several of them in high school and undergrad before she was truly serious about getting married. And there's no guarantee that "the one" will be the third guy you date as long as you're not too picky.