Letters to the Editor

• Toothless

  [Read the article: "No one's as smart as Rush Limbaugh!"]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  That wasn't funny, Joan - it was toothless. Want to see funny? Look up the famous "Final Days" sketch, featuring the young Dan Ackroyd. The video isn't online anywhere, but here's a transcript. Now this is REAL political humor!

  Final Days

  Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis

  Pat Nixon.....Madeline Kahn

  President Richard Nixon......Dan Aykroyd

  David Eisenhower.....Chevy Chase

  Julie Eisenhower.....Gilda Radner

  Henry Kissinger.....John Belushi

  [ open on Pat Nixon at her desk at San Clemente - half-empty bottle of gin on the desk ]

  Voice: Mrs. Nixon, maybe you should go upstairs to bed now.

  Pat: [ drunk, maintaining control ] No thank you, Ron, I'll be alright.

  Voice: Alright. Good night, Mrs. Nixon.

  Pat: Good night.. [ starts writing in her diary ] "Dear Diary.. it's twelve o'clock, and once again I find myself alone. Dick's leg swelled up today, and he was in intense pain. Good! The ocean is calm here at San Clemente.. quite a contrast to the stormy final days in the White House. I'll never forget the night of August 7th.. I had just gone down to the pantry to get some refreshments, when I heard Dick's voice. As usual, he wasn't speaking to me, he was talking to Abe Lincoln.."

  [ flashback to White House hallway - President Richard Nixon talking to Abe Lincoln's portrait ]

  [ SUPER: "The White House - August 7, 1974" ]

  President Richard Nixon: [ despairing ] Well, Abe, you were lucky. They shot you. Come on clot! Move up to my heart! Kill me! Kill me!

  [ Julie and David Eisenhower enter the room ]

  David Eisenhower: Ah, Mr. President? Julie and I were thinking maybe you should go upstairs and get some rest. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning.

  President Nixon: [ wincing at the sight of David ] Ugh! He does look like Howdy Doody!

  Julie Eisenhower: Daddy, you're not going to resign, are you?

  President Nixon: No, no.. a pessimist would resign. I'm an optimist.

  Julie: It's the pessimists who want you to resign, isn't it, Daddy?

  President Nixon: THat's right, Princess. Remember that army hospital I visited in Vietnam? There was a young enlisted man from Des Moines, Iowa. He had been hit in the eye with a surface-to-air missile. And he only had four pints of blood left in his body, and as youknow, a man normally has eight pints of blood in his body. Now, the pessimists in this country would say that that boy was half-empty, while I like to think he was half-full!

  David: That's right, Mr. President. You know, I was talking to two reporters from the Washington Post this morning, and they said they thought you were half crazy, but I told them I like to think of you as half-sane!

  President Nixon: Thank you. Now, if you'll leave me alone, I'm in the middle of a meeting.

  David: [ looking around for others ] Meeting?

  Julie: Okay, Daddy, if it'll make you feel better. [ she and David leave ]

  President Nixon: [ walks over to portrait of JFK ] You! Kennedy. You looked so good all the time. They're gonna find out about you, too. The president! Having sex with women within these very walls. That never happened when Dick Nixon was in the White House! Never! Never! Never!...

  [ flashback to Pat writing in her diary ]

  Pat: "...never.. never.. never.. never.. never.. never." [ sips drink, gains control of herself ] "I think Henry Kissinger was the first one to suggest that resignation was inevitable. He told Dick not to think of it as a resignation, but as "humiliation with honor". I think the last time they spoke to each other was on that same night.."

  [ flashback to White House hallway ]

  President Nixon: Never! Never! Never!

  Henry Kissinger: [ enters ] Mr. President, Mr. President.. I just spoke mit your lovely daughter und charming son-in-law, und zey expressed a deep concern for your vell-being, which I, of course, share, und zey suggested zat I come down und cheer you up.

  President Nixon: You know I'm not a crook, Henry. You know that I'm innocent.

  Kissinger: [ long pause.. coughs ]

  President Nixon: I am! I'm telling you, Henry: I had nothing to do with the bugging of Watergate! I had nothing to do with the cover-up! with the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist's office! Or with the man who was killed in Florida!

  Kissinger: Vhat man was killed in Florida, Mr. President?

  President Nixon: You don't know about the little Cuban who.. ah.. never mind. [ gets on his knees ] Henry, get down on your knees and pray with me.

  Kissinger: Mr. President, you've got a big day tomorrow, why don't ve get in our pajamas und go sleepy?

  President Nixon: Don't you want to pray, you Christ-killer?

  Kissinger: I don't vant to get into zat again, Mr. President. Excuse me, I've got to go warn the Strategic Air Command to ignore all presidential orders.

  President Nixon: Alright, thanks, Henry. [ Kissinger exits the room ] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!

  [ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

  Pat: "Dick wasn't anti-Semitic.. he hated all minorities. I remember once an aide referred to the Vietnamese as Gooks and Chinks. Dick said that that was wrong. He said a Chink is someone who's from China, and is Gook is anyone of the Oriental persuasion. A Chink is always a Gook, but a Gook isn't always a Chink.. it was that way on that same night in Auguest.."

  [ flashback to President Nixon talking to a portrait of FDR ]

  President Nixon: And you! Franklin Delano Roosenfelt. you were a Jew, too, weren't you? Jewboy! Jewboy! [ turns to portrait of Lincoln ] What is happening to me, Abe? Everything's falling apart, Why me, Abe? Why me?!

  [ the lips on Lincoln's portrait move ]

  Voice of Lincoln: Because you're such a dip!

  [ flashback to Pat at her diary ]

  Pat: [ slurring ] "..because.. you're.. such.. a dip!"

  Voice of President Nixon: Pat! Pat! Where are you? I'm cold.

  Pat: Well, dear Diary, I must close now.

  Voice of President Nixon: Pat, it's chilly in here.

  Pat: Throw another tape on the fire!

  [ fade to black ]

  Permalink Monday, February 16, 2009 06:18 PM