Letters to the Editor
GretchenP
Published Letters: 19 Editor's Choice: 2
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support
[Read the article: Do I have to be a mommy to "opt out"?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I think several of these writers don't have kids since they're so worried about the parents feeling usurped. I have 4 closely spaced children, and have not been away for a weekend with my husband in 25 years. We didn't even go out for about 10 of those years, because we didn't have anybody to leave them with. A doting auntie who wanted to take them for an evening or a weekend would have been a Godsend. You don't understand how relentless the demands of a family are until you've faced them alone, and someone who wants to help would I think be most welcome.
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responsibility
[Read the article: Sexual harassment in art school]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The LR should contact the human resources department of the college to find out the policy for sexual harassment. I am a supervisor in a corporation, and I have a responsibility to report sexual harassment in my workplace, and I am placing my employer in legal jeapordy if I am aware of such a situation and ignore it - they can later be sued. I expect his workplace is the same. The first time I became aware of an employee being harassed, she didn't want me to say anything because she was embarrassed. I dithered and talked to too many people, and made more talk than if I'd just gone to HR in the first place. And when they talked to the guy, he couldn't even figure out which woman they were talking about, since he'd hassled so many. Do your duty, LR
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take the long view
[Read the article: I'm an analytical chemist with a two-body problem]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW doesn't say this is the love of his life, he asks how one knows. He says they see each other "almost every day." It sounds like he dreads telling her about Toronto not because he can't bear to be separated, but because he's afraid of getting "both barrels of insecure, immature little girl". How's he going to feel when he's working at some boring job in Berkley and spending evenings alone because she's busy with school - they don't even see each other every day now!
The only reason to pass up your opening into your dream career, in what another LW called a "brutal job market", is because you can't stand being apart from her, even if it means working construction or teaching high school chemistry to be near her. If that's not the case, take this opportunity to further your career ( and she just has to look at her mom to understand the cost of not doing this, so if she loves you she'll understand), and use this time to explore the possibilities of the relationship long-distance, with the plan of getting to the same place after your postdoc is over.
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feel the fear
[Read the article: I'm so damned judgmental!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The LW believes that her good fortune is entirely due to her "sensible choices." This is a comfortable belief, because as long as she continues to make sensible choices, she will continue to enjoy good fortune. Meeting people who are having trouble threatens this worldview, unless she can convince herself that bad luck resulted from their bad choices. It's too scary to think that bad luck is random, because then it could happen to her.
Many a girl has decided to marry her high school sweetheart, only to have him dump her for someone he met in college. Many college students decide to go straight through, only to get mono or have family problems and have to drop a semester. Many people get their dream job, only to have the company bought out and everyone laid off.
LW should let herself feel the fear instead of using her judgmental side to distance herself from it. That way, she can empathize with people who are experiencing bad luck now, and she won't be completely blindsided and at a loss when her run of good luck eventually, inevitably,ends.
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LW, help him see how to be a good man
[Read the article: My brother left his girlfriend with a 5-month-old baby]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with syphax that once you have kids, your days of being #1 are over. It's not true that kids want whatever makes their parents happiest - that's a 70's fallacy. They want a stable, loving environment, with adults who act like adults and look out for their best interests. And the choice isn't between blissful, divorced parents or parents who scream and yell all the time. You have the choice not to scream and yell all the time, and most divorced people take their problems on into the next relationship. Once you have kids, you should make the effort to give them the very best start in life that you can - you owe them this.
I have 4 kids. I decided halfway through that I wasn't "in love", and he isn't "in love" with me. He has intimacy issues, won't talk about anything. I seriously considered leaving. The kids were in junior high and high school, two with serious problems. I decided that their problems would be worsened by a divorce, dragging back and forth between two households, mom's boyfriend, dad's girlfriend. So I stuck it out, and did my best to be pleasant and cooperative with my husband. They're all grown now, and all turned out happy (as much as anyone who inherits my dark temperament can be happy), centered, stable and loving. I am absolutely certain that the outcome would have been different if I gave in to fulfilling my needs 5 years ago. Not doing that was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was the right thing to do and I'm proud I did it. Now they're grown, (and it's unbelievable how fast that happens) and I can put my happiness #1 again.
LW, urge your brother to go back and try again - they could do a loving year of "not being in love" for the baby's sake. It can't be that bad if they were together for 15 years. And he'll feel better not thinking himself an asshole, but that will take realizing he can't put his own needs first when he has a kid and still think well of himself. Help him see how to be a good man.