I have met other scientists who live in completely different places across the country for the sake of their individual careers, and get together from time to time. They make it work for them. It would not work that way for my spouse and I, who ended up sort of taking turns in our careers, from graduate school, to postdoc, to following paths to a career, including years of no job for one of us. We may have limited ourselves by not pursing some glorious high level position, but I think we are happier, as we are together, and not completely and utterly overworked like all those high level people we know. Our goals also changed as time went by, and I do not think we have regrets.

The parameters of your two-body problem need to be defined. Other letter writers have pointed out that you need to define what commitment you are willing to make, what commitment she is willing to make. How important is pursing your particular interests? Would you be able to instead of joining an existing group, find a university or lab who wants a new general hire, and you can get outside funding (gov't, manufacturer) to create a lab of your own for your particular niche? Could you settle for a Bay Area postdoc that may not be ideal, but good enough for a temporary stepping stone on the path to your ideal job? Where you can spend a couple years going to conferences and finding the people and labs you want to work with, and impressing them. There may be more possibilities than you can see. You may also be able to put off the Toronto job decision while you explore your options (ask them to give you a month, say something about weighing options).

And as another writer pointed out, a post-doc is a limited timespan, anywhere from 1-3 years. Love can survive that time apart. You need to communicate together, and learn what the each other wants and needs. It will be difficult, it will be painful, but that is life.

There are many possibilities, and as a scientist, it's understandable that you want to know all the options before you make the decisions. Do not forget, that we are human, and love is hard to quanitfy, to measure, to write an equation for, much less the complicated ways we interact with each other.

"Plan B became available over-the-counter to people over 18 after an Aug. 26, 2007, decision by the FDA."

I think you mean Aug. 24, 2006. Otherwise we're reading about the future ...

I have dealt with similar situations with my family, when they act judgemental, passive-agressive, and generally drive me nuts trying to change my behavior, here's my thoughts:

Congratulations on realizing that you can't do anything to change their views. That was the hardest part for me. Every time the issues come up, I think I can explain my position, use logic, have a discussion like a rational human. I think my family member is listening, understanding, nodding. And then they go right back to their viewpoint of reality and their judging, pushing ways and it ends with tears.

So I've learned: don't fight. Don't even get involved in trying to share your side of the story. Give up on trying to change them, on sharing reason, even if you think having them understand you will help heal. Cary also said a lot of this, just with a lot more poetry. Also, what the first few letters said here is correct, them telling you how to live your life with regards to sex is inappropriate at this age.

Techniques I use (some of them work in different situations, depending how pushy the other person is):

Small polite smile: 'Thank you for the advice.' Then change the subject. They'll try to worm their way in again, keep going on about the new subject. If they really get under your collar, walk away, you have to get something, your cel phone is vibrating (pretend), something. Breathe. Take 3 deep breaths. Calm.

'That is none of your business'. or 'I don't see how that relates to what we were talking about.' Follow with the rest of the above paragraph.

Prepare at least 10 surprising/interesting topics of conversation in advance to talk about. At best, make some things that you can ask your parent(s) for advice, so they feel like they are helping you and are involved in your life. Things that you won't fight them about.

Some people respond to threats. I can't seem to make them and my family doesn't take them seriously. Different tricks for different people.

Holidays are particularly stressful in and of themselves together with visiting family that upsets you. Make sure to plan some time to get out of there. Errands you have to run (real or not). My spouse and I like to go off to a coffee shop and sit and relax, talk to each other, or read quietly. Walk in a park, avoiding all other people, or even just out the front door and down the street. Offer to go get groceries.

Good luck, and you *can* make this work. Like therapy, it takes patience, effort, strength, and time.

Following the "published" link to the New England Journal of Medicine, it clearly states "(We did not assess autism-spectrum disorders.)"

All the press I've seen about this is finding zero connection between thimerosol and neurological disorders which are NOT autism. The article in the NY Times that covered this said that the autism study was due to be published next year.

That said, I don't believe there will be a link found.