Letters to the Editor
Forestygirl
Published Letters: 2
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Nuance
[Read the article: My boyfriend won't give me his apartment key]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm of two minds. On the one hand the BF's behavior seems sort of immature and he might have some control or some commitment issues. On the other hand, we only have one side of the story and I suspect the situation is much more nuanced than the letter would lead us to believe.
It's hard for me to believe that someone would say "you cannot have a key to my place and I also do not want you to live at your place. I want you to live out of a bag." That may be what the LW interpreted from whatever potentially heated or frustrating discussion that ensued when she gathered up all of her belongings at the boyfriend's place. I can envision a scenario in which the LW has been encroaching on the BF's space and apartment and he is started to feeling a bit trapped or caged. I can also see why he might get agitated when constantly nagged about giving out his key and imply that they'll just see less of each other.
I think it's important that the LW look at the outset of the relationship and when she started bringing things to the BF's place. Did he say "hey why don't you take some drawer space?" or buy her an extra toothbrush (I once had a guy buy one for me and present it to me to tell me that he wanted me around for the long haul-cheesy but it made his point that he wasn't just using me). Or did he sort of tacitly let her start bringing half of her wardrobe to his place. She references needing to access her things: a suit, sneakers, books--these aren't items that one casually leaves at a significant other's place permanently unless you are starting a move-in process.
I think LW needs to really look at her behavior and figure out if she is trying to force the relationship by moving her things, inviting herself over and trying to convince him that she's the one simply by being around all the time. On the other hand, if he truly is unwilling to spend time at her place and does not have a good reason to back it up, she should consider moving on. She needs to take a week or two to think about it and then have a really honest conversation with him. What I don't recommended is passive aggressively ignoring him or just dumping him out of the blue. Have a conversation, say what you need from him emotionally (I suspect this isn't really about a key), and if he can't give it then walk.
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Sigh
[Read the article: The best-laid plans]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Reading tripe like this from other people roughly my age makes me groan and think maybe my generation is hopeless after all. It also makes me wonder if I could write some third rate drivel about my sexual exploits and my jaunt through Europe (oh wait, every middle class kid in America has had a significant European experience these days) and get it published. Normally I enjoy almost everything in Salon, even the fluffy pieces or the ones that don't seem to have much of a point, but this one has just pushed me over the edge. Maybe she should try reading some Fitzgerald so she can figure out what a real short story is like.