Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 159 Editor's Choice: 9
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A different outcome
[Read the article: Stuck in resentment after 35 years]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Like SiR, I found myself at the recieving end of some spectacular bullying in the 9th grade. It was outside of anything I had ever experienced before- five to seven guys who seemed to live to torment me.
Unlike SiR, my dad was around, but it still wasn't easy coming to him and asking him to pay for martial arts classes for me- which he did. But more importantly, like Mr. Tennis said, he advised me on how to repel my attackers, and that he understood that I may well get suspended or expeled for fighting and that if it came to that... well, you worry about the boys, son, I'll fight the school.
The next day I was more able to cope with the bullying, the next week I started Taekwondo, and three months later I did get in a fight (... complete disclosure: a loud shoving match). There was no fighting the school or expulsion, the world did not crack open and swallow me up, I got to go to the college of my choice. In college I got to teach martial arts, where I met all my current friends and my wife. A happy ending, right?
Wrong!
There are times, lonely stretches of driving, where I find myself back in the horrible months before 'the fight'. I had what was probably the best of all outcomes in the situation, and I've caught myself kicking myself for not putting them down early on, wondering why I was pushing when punching was clearly called for? Heck, I even had the added bonus of meeting one of the guys years later- in a taekwondo class and he left before we ever got any ring-time (wimp!).
It's the internalizing that is the killer. That's what haunts people. I had five or six months of it, SiR had 4-5 YEARS. I agree with Carey that the loss of SiR's father has stirred up some very powerful feelings (which themselves may have been internalized)... and I'd gamble that he's re-playing these events in his head because he wants a different outcome. He wants his father to intervene, he wants to have the mettle to dish out the punishment on his antagonizers.
I am a bit short on answers, though. All I have is that, since he can't turn back time, that he take boxing or martial arts or play rugby- that he dish out (and have it dished back) the punishement.
As a martial arts teacher, I'm amazed at the number of meek men and (and women and kids) who, after a lot of hand-wringing and worry, come to thrive on sparring and competition.
And this is where my dad's wisdom comes back- they weren't afraid of getting hurt, or even of hurting someone else, as much as they were of getting in trouble. Boxing matches, karate tournaments, they take away the bully's greatest weapons: surprise (it's a boxing match, duh) and that YOU will be in trouble if you fight back. There's no intimidation or threats once the bell rings.
I'm not saying it will solve SiR's problems, but I'll bet it will make him feel better.
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follow up
[Read the article: My life as a man]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]One thing to comment on, this section:
It's true, as Ned/Norah later observes, that the teammates scarcely discuss their emotional lives, and do so only in clipped, coded form. When Jim's wife is diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer, which is evidently life-threatening, the guys barely talk about it. Mainly what Vincent discovers is one of the hoariest truths of manhood, that these all-male institutions (sports teams, card games, hunting and fishing clubs) are in their own way zones of nurture and liberation.
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These zones are also places where one goes to, you know, bowl or whatever. Places where simple routine and low-intensity conversation is prized.
It would be interesting to know how many of Jim's teamates talked with him about his wife before or after their leauge meetings.
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The triple whammy
[Read the article: Should I give up on having a life in the theater?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Seconding some of the other opinions here.
The first whammy is all the work we 'preparing' for our dreams. The classes, the courses, the woodshedding.
The second whammy- if we try to achieve our art/passion an put our money where our mouth is, we risk failure, or worse, mediocrity. We can no longer can plug away as an accountant thinking 'If I REALLY wanted to, I could be a star!'.
The third whammy- even mediocrity is fucking hard. Not only is the art/passion hard, but the permits, cliques, interviews, critiques have to be done, too. Every time.
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I see you.
[Read the article: You just don't understand]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I've been reading a lot about the magic of the MRI and the incredible fallability of our human nature.
I cannot prove, but will predict, that one day this MRI technology will get small enough and cheap enough that human society will get a very sharp, rude, wake-up call.
"As you can see via the MRI, the senator is not only lying, but he knows he's lying. And here, you can see that he's both planned to lie from the beginning, and is even now thinking up new lies."
or worse:
"As you can see via the MRI, the president belives he knows these things, but the parts of the brain that acutally process that kind of information remain silent. He thinks he knows, but does not."
We'll finally really begin to answer the eternal question, are they lying or just stupid- for EVERYONE.
Freekin' sweet!