I've done the Landmark Forum and the other courses you mention in your previous posts, and I am in complete agreement. I too have done a lot of personal development work. The education I got in Landmark has had the most impact. I haven't been back in years, but I'm planning on going back and taking some courses soon. Thanks for talking about your experience.

As an older sister, I remember picking on my younger sister (by 2.5 years), but not like this. Even so, my sister has had a lot of pain around the fact that my mother pretty much ignored a lot of what happened. I carried guilt as well and have apologized to my sister for many things and am prepared to apologize some more if she remembers something that I don't at first. (Sorry, older sibling abuse survivors, the abuser often doesn't remember all of the abuse). Thankfully, apologizing helped a lot with my relationship with my sister. If it's any insight, my father was pretty abusive toward me and things were pretty screwed up in general. Who knows why your older half brother did those things? He may very well be a born sociopath, or he may have been experiencing abuse himself. Definitely see a therapist or many. Read a lot about the subject. Stay committed to your emotional and mental well being. You will eventually understand without sacrificing yourself.

On a slightly different note...I don't know if it was the era or what, but I don't understand how all of that crap could have been happening without your parents knowing about it. I mean, come on! Maybe parents 20 - 30 years ago were willing to ignore crazy stuff like that. As a mother of two young kids, I am solidly committed to monitoring my children's behavior toward each other and with others (and other's behavior with them as well) at all times (or trust them with people who believe in supervision). I also work on fostering affinity and empathy for each of them toward each other. I know monitoring may get harder to do that as they get older, but I am committed to finding a way. This type of thing will not go on under my nose!

All the best, LW. You have my compassion.

I wrote this in an earlier post: "I don't know if it was the era or what, but I don't understand how all of that crap could have been happening without your parents knowing about it. I mean, come on!" I was expressing exasperation at the parents' cluelessness, not questioning the LW's experience. I hope things have changed culture-wide. Being that clueless is really just another way of abandoning and neglecting your children. There is no excuse for it.

I am assuming you are a woman based on how you distinguished your field as male-dominated and your username looks possibly feminine. I commend your stamina.

Ugh, your experience is the one of the main reasons why I wish to be a freelancer and/or entrepreneur as I get myself back into the workforce. I too worked in a male-dominated field (where I met my wonderful husband) and encountered all kinds of prehistoric misogyny. I know I was naive and am committed to embracing "industry" or the "working world" with all its warts because I need to make some money now. And I know that even if I am not beholden to one employer I will still encounter irritating and sabotaging behavior from whoever (dysfunction isn't just sexist), so I'm working on generating freedom in that area of my life.

So yes, sabotage and dysfunction is fascinating from a distance. I wonder if that would be so prevalent if we had national health care? Since ongoing health insurance for themselves and their families is the reason many people stay and fester in jobs they hate.

Any ideas out there?

I too am moved to tears by this letter. Your dream was beautiful, worthwhile, and practical. You must honor your dream by mourning for it properly. You must give it a proper burial so to speak. It is important that we honor someone that we love who has died, so it is with dreams. You and your husband sound like the kind of people my husband and I admire. All the best...may you bask in compassion in your time of grief.