Back in the day when Fox News was trying to get everyone to refer to people in the drug trade as "narco-terrorists", I was trying to live a life without pork and beef. I'd ask the server, "Is there any meat in this?", and he or she would say No, then I'd ask the server to tell me the ingredients, and the response was "blah, blah, blah, bacon, blah, blah". Apparently bacon is not considered meat by many people.

So I called these people "porko-terrorists" -- people who try to stick pork in everything without you knowing it.

It's tacky.

knows the capital of Belarus. If he wants to distinguish himself from Bush, he should really concentrate on the knowledge-of-foreign-geography thing.

I figured this out when I was late for a connecting flight several years ago when the gate luggage check was still going on.

The trick is that the gate-side luggage check is not random. Maybe the initial choice is random, but for a minute or so while that unlucky person is being checked no one else can be chosen. So here's what you do: Stand out in the concourse until most of the people are on the plane. When the luggage checker chooses a person, walk toward the gate and through the checkpoint before the checker is finished.

If there are two checkers, then it might get a little more complicated. But they are essentially low-level bureaucrats that aren't paid enough to pay attention to more than one thing at once, so it shouldn't be too hard.

If a rich couple stores away some fertilized eggs, and then they somehow die, the eggs would be the rightful heirs! So how would this work -- do you set up a trust fund and then impregnate some woman off the street to bring forth the trust fund babies?

If fertilized eggs can be stored indefinitely, then that money could be tied up forever. After a couple hundred years at a good APR, the little test-tube-tykes would be ultra-wealthy!

so I don't know enough about mass-produced beer to make me care one way or another.

BTW, Guinness is yummy.

The federal gas tax is only 18.4 cents! Now a gas tax holiday ten years ago when gas was around a dollar a gallon would have meant something (about a 18% discount), but now at $4 a gallon it wouldn't make much of a dent (only about 4.5% discount). The last time I filled up it cost me $80, and believe me I'd still be cursing the pump if it "only" cost me $76.

I was going to write something about genius and masturbation going hand in hand but I thought better of it.

It has to be Clinton! Personally, I'm not too sure it's the correct choice, but soooo many Hillary supporters will be alienated if she isn't the veep nominee that it might cripple Obama.

All this talk about other contenders is just free publicity for them. I had never even heard of this Tim Kaine guy, so the free publicity worked on me.

I don't see the hardcore bible-thumpers voting for a guy named "Cain", anyway.

...because I did my best to get the parents-to-be to change their minds, but they were going to name their baby boy Sevin. The name doesn't seem too bad, until you do some research and discover that Sevin is the commercial name for Carbaryl (1-naphthyl methylcarbamate), a common insecticide.

I am ashamed to admit it, but if I ever have twins I'd be mightily tempted to name them Alpha and Omega.

This author is clearly plagiarizing my junior-high girlfriend's algebra notebook.

The immortal words of Stephen Colbert certainly apply here. CNN and MSNBC are more accurate in reporting than FOX (although still laughingly biased), so therefore their viewers support Obama by a wide margin.

Maybe Bill IS the running mate! That would be awesome! If you read the 22nd ammendment, he's technically got two more years that he can be President -- so if something happens to Obama he'd have the pass the ball to someone else sooner or later. Yay!

So, what's the environmental impact of just leaving in the woods to rot naturally? Sounds, yucky, I know, but it would give us a baseline to use to compare the other methods. How about dessication, freezing, or being eaten by scavengers? What about the method scientists use to remove the flesh off of animal remains -- lots and lots of carrion beetles?

If we have to get morbid, let's go all the way!

The bugs that natural history museums use for removing flesh from bone are called "skin beetles", and they aren't part of the carrion beetles family. My apologies to any carrion beetles who may have been offended by my earlier remarks.

then I will exercise my right not to bathe before flying. That'll keep their mouth closed (and nose too).

I'm just turning on the Olympics occasionally, and I guess they just assume I know everything about Phelps already. They say he's won 11 gold medals, but before the Olympics they said he could win a total of eight gold medals. Did they add three more events just for Phelps? What's the story?

of my archaeology days. On a certain day during each digging season, we'd invite the public to come out and see what we were doing. They'd walk around, peering into our excavation -- usually from two to ten feet deep. Inevitably, some genius would ask, "Why'd they live down there?" If we were feeling masochistic, we'd ask, "Where?" "Down in those holes!"

Ug.

Warren didn't do his homework. If he had, he would have known that in Get Smart, the Cone of Silence NEVER worked.

Or maybe he did? It's a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a sitcom...