Letters to the Editor
mc in TN
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 2
-
uh oh
[Read the article: Learning from the "accidental feminist"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Here comes that circular firing squad again. Why do we do this.
In these terrible times, liberals can ill afford to tear each other to shreds. Is it really such a big sin to come to feminism for practical reasons--ie, self-interest--rather than ideological or intellectual reasons?
Conservatism stinks for women. Even if you're a rich woman. This is not the place to list how life for rich conservative women can be awful--but there's little place for single, intelligent women over there in wingnut land. Obviously it took a while for Arianna to come over, but now she is a convert. And that's a good thing, isn't it?
In any movement, rich people definitely have a place. Let's face it, their money keeps it all going. This is how those extreme wingnuts came to rule us--they have those wealthy movement donors who fund those think tanks, those initiatives, those lobbyists. On the liberal side, we have our "angel investors" too. If not for them, our story would rarely be told.
I'm glad to have Arianna on our side, flawed as she is. I'm happy that somebody is willing to finance a site like HuffingtonPost. I'm thrilled to see a woman go on TV and flog conservatives. And it's great that somebody cares that not enough women are being heard in the political debate. Somebody who can put their dollars behind their beliefs.
When I was a kid, there was just nobody that women could aspire to be. It's not a bad thing to have women, motivated by self-interest even, participating in American life, out there where girls and young women can see them do it.
I'd like to see MORE Ariannas out there! Send us more rich, self-interested women who think women are not being heard.
-
Don't do it
[Read the article: Will my family drag us down?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, I did what you are contemplating. I had the chronically ill downwardly-trending mother. A mom who had lots of psychological issues, and who was old-school enough to never ever agree to seeking treatment for anything "mental." (But my sister is healthy and mostly functional)
I did not have a spouse to consider or young children at home. And I shared Cary's vision of how a family should work. Plus, throw in a little of the Catholic martyr from my upbringing...
Two years after my mom's death, I am still trying to scrape my life off the pavement. With hindsight, I feel it was a huge mistake to move back to the hometown to try to "save" and help. I am not young, and the last 15 years of my life went into the black hole.
Professionally, my life went down the toilet. Mercifully I had savings, which kept me from being homeless or dependent on my adult children. But I am still trying to figure out how to reboot my work life. (Go back to school? at my age? at those prices?) I will not go into how badly this turned out--but in order to have a career, you have to BE there for it.
As for the siblings and other family members, we had way too much family togetherness in the ER, nursing homes, rehabs, etc. etc. For the younger children in the family, most our "family times" together were spent in medical institutions, making heart-wrenching decisions. Great times for those kids, huh?
Plus your wife would need to be a total self-sacrificing martyr, willing to pick up a huge share of the load of all this HEAVY emotional labor and expenditure of time. Is she--are you both--ready to give up so much, at this stage of your life?
Instead--figure out what you are able to do. Maybe you commit to helping financially, in a substantial way. Maybe you commit to going there for X weeks per year, leaving behind all else (no Blackberry!), and really being there for them. Maybe they have other problems you can solve for them, talking to their doctors, helping them negotiate the intricacies of the medical system.
Maybe you send them frequent care packages of photos, cookies, etc. and stay in close touch.
Maybe you move close enough to have weekend visits with the kids--3 or 4 or 6 hours away. (Don't count on them being able to babysit or anything like that.)
Focus most of this on the Mom--she's in a position of less power. As for Sis, she's young enough to be an actor in her own life, so let her. Don't enable her inertia.
As a survivor, your job is to--survive. Don't give in to some Norman Rockwell sentimental vision, because you might trash the good life you had.
And yes, I did have a good life (professionally too) before I moved back home.