All I can say is, thank god for this LW. I have always been wildly attracted to large men. Just as this LW says, I've been attracted to all sizes and shapes, but big men take me some ultra deep level of passion. I find large people of both genders very beautiful. I am thin myself, though in my secret fantasies...

So good to see this preference in print. The men I've loved in my life have all been large, with gorgeous bellies and big thighs, and I find them incredibly sensual and attuned to pleasure. There really is an extreme prejudice in this country against fat people -- it's juvenile. Beauty is so varied and comes in all sizes. Thanks for writing! Enjoy your beautiful wife. And to those poor deprived small-minded people who feel they are entitled to make mean, rude, stupid remarks about fat people: go suck an egg, and get a clue.

I was very moved by this letter, and by all the responses. I feel that it is important not to see the world in black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, and other such moralistic categories that are somehow reassuring in their simplistic immovability, and that actually prevent real change from happening.

What these two people have is a very powerful opportunity. They can both committ to complete life change, which is what is required here, complete with self-examination and an open-hearted willingness to drop all story lines, all self-justification, all self-defensive strategies. It takes everything: no holding back. Her boyfriend would have to really be able and willing to be vulnerable, to scrutinize his own addictive behavioral patterns. Because, even if there are no substance abuse problems here, anger itself, and the dynamic of fighting, (anger, fear, domination, placating, etc) can be an addiciton, a very tenacious one. And attaining sobriety from anger takes just as much work, if not more, than getting sober from alcohol or drugs.

It is really important that the boyfriend not be judged as "bad." And it is just an crucial that he realize that he has a serious problem, and that in order to really change his life -- in order to not nurture this problem and thus cause suffering for himself and others, in an expanding web, for the rest of his life -- he will have to give up privacy, self-righteousness, and be really willing to dive in and make this project the center of his life. In order to do this, he has to believe in himself, he has to believe that he can do it, that he wants to do it, and that he is worth it. He has to realize that his problem does not define who he is.

I think that people who have an addiction to habitual anger are usually operating around a core of self-hatred. It may be quite deeply camoflaged, but it's there. The boyfriend must be told, and slowly come to believe, the he is a good person, and that he can be kind, compassionate, trust worthy.

I would also recommend that the LW move out while this process is taking place. I know it would be very hard and painful to do this, and that the boyfriend might experience it either as abondonment, judgement, or attack. It isn't though. It is a sign, a boundary, that would show on a daily basis that something new and important was going on, that both people had equally signed on to a process of complete "renovation." They could see each other and talk daily, working in some program with a therapist, and showing a lot of love and intimacy, but have the boundary of not living in the same space for awhile.

And as with most 12 step programs (which have their pluses and minuses), nothing can happen unless both people completely admit that they have a problem, that they can't "control" it all on their own, and that they're ready to ask for help. Do whatever it takes to find the right program, the right therapist. Try as many as it takes to find the one that really feels right. Both people must really, openly and lovingly, surrender to the fact that they have a problem together.

"Controlling" impulses is not the answer here. You'll have to open up and get at causes, and this takes bravery, and time. Things might get worse at first in this process -- another reason that it would be good to move out temporarily. The boyfriend might realize that the LW is willing to invest her heart and soul in this process, and to perhaps respect her the more for it. And lastly, sign a written contract. Formalize your committment to real change, not just an emotional band-aid.

You really can see this as a powerful opportunity, for both of you. People can change. It is possible to retrain your mind, to ally yourself with everything that is already good in you. I know this from my own experience.

I wish you both all the luck and love in the world. And once again, I have to say one more time, drop all notions of right and wrong, good and bad. Start thinking in terms of kindness and fear, compassion and suffering, and make this a mutual process in which you both invest your hearts, equally.

We all have such opportunities presented to us in our lives, in different ways. Most of us just find ways to avoid it (turn on the TV). Be brave.

Wish you all the best,

Skypillar