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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
So Salon knocks Pynchon's new novel but lauds crap hacks like Stephen Elliott. At least now I know which online magazine NOT to pay attention to when looking for intelligent fiction reviews....
A complex and thoughtful review of a thoughtful and honest account of why masochistic sex is meaningful to the author in a way that conveys the thoughtfulness, complexity, and honesty of the account is, in itself, an achievement. Thank you, Salon, for running this.
I do disagree with the suggestion in the account that it is an abusive childhood that makes one want to be a top or a bottom... I was molested as a child, tied to a hospital bed, sent to a dentist who -- on occasion -- deliberately hurt me... and I am not attracted to S/M or repulsed by my friends who find a place for it in their lives. In fact, of the five friends I've talked with about it, only one has a history of abuse.
behind this type of SM (although bondage without SM is different) is this: When we go through tremendously painful experiences, whether physical or emotional, an ancient (as yet mostly unacknowledged) defense mechanism kicks in and locks up the entirety of who we were and what we were feeling at the time we suffered the pain (unless we receive sufficient love and support in response to our pain). Consequently, for those such as Elliott, for whom an early experience of sexual involvement included being painfully raped by someone he found unattractive, in an environment where love and support were unavailalbe, this defense mechanism has locked up all the aspects of his personality that are able to be sexually responsive and expressive.
But these locked up pieces want out. Gradually they pressure us from within until we arrange for them to escape. When that happens, we temporarily shift from who we are now, to who we were then (in totality). Many people do so through various chemicals, alcohol foremost, which release the locks (hence the peronsality changes in some drinkers), but it sounds as if, for Mr. Elliot, his psyche's chosen method of releasing his locked-up pieces is to arrange to set himself up for experiences which resemble his early rape(s) - painful sexual experiences at the hands of people he finds unattractive.
Since the drive for sexual expression is such a vital and powerful aspect of our personalities, it's quite impossible to keep it under wraps, no matter what caused it to be locked away (as Rev. Haggard so recently revealed to the world, if not himself). These people have not created the cycles which have them ensnared, but ensnared they are until they find help to heal the original trauma, get their missing pieces integrated back into their natural personalities and discover who they were born to be before they were knocked off the track their lives might have taken under other circumstances.
....is it really a dominant motive in the S&M scene to heal participants of their trauma?
Doesn't seem like it from the outside. Seems like just another porny, commercialized, ramped-up and now (thanks a bunch from all your adolescent readers, Salon) nearly mainstream practice. I'd so much rather see abuse victims helped by intensively trained therapists than unleashed on each other, or further tormented by sadists.
Soon we'll have 12 year olds cuffing and torturing each other, thinking they're just on the cutting edge of sexuality.
Of course, some will be. We'll just roll our jaded eyes away while they bleed.
I feel genuinely hurt by people's negative reactions to this article. Every time I hear about how much people think S&M is sick and wrong, it drives me deeper and deeper into the closet. This is a lot worse than being gay, I can assure you.
My first ever sexual feelings came when I was under 6 years old and they were in reaction to the image of a woman being tied up on tv. I don't know why I have the desire to be hurt. I really wish I didn't. It would be a lot easier to be normal.
I've never been abused or mistreated in my life. S&M is not a way for me to work out my childhood issues. Stephen Elliott probably would have been into S&M even if he had never suffered childhood abuse. It's just the way some people are born. It's just the way I was born. And it really feels terrible to read about how sick and twisted I am from readers who are acting as bigoted as homophobes.
To those of you who respond to BDSM as being torture and say those who do it are "fucked-up" and need therapy...all you're doing is proving you are indeed "fucked-up." Ahhh, I see you can use my herbal enema!
BDSM is truly the most intimate way of experiencing what it is to be alive in a body. There is every flavor and experience possible in BDSM play...every possible thing from mild to wild. One size doesn't fit all. And there is, fortunately, every size available. There is no other way of being completely free and to learn about who you really are. Fortunately, within the context of a loving and honest relationship, delving into BDSM is absolutely natural...it IS what we all crave. We all want to experience and play with control and release...the act of even vanilla sex is just that...control and then release in orgasim. Sometimes you want to "take it." Sometimes you want to "fuck the shit out of it." Sometimes you want to selflessly give your partner all the pleasure you possible can without wanting an orgasim yourself. And this is just "vanilla sex," I'm talking about. What fantasies do you have when you are having vanilla sex? Come on...you all fantasize during sex.
If you attack BDSM as being sick, you are the sick one...and you don't even know it. Frankly, you need to quit being scared chickens who can only follow what you've been told is right. And if you can't find out what is right for you and your body and your psyche, you'll never become much more than superficial...you're opininons about most everything will merely be mimicking what you've been sold it right.
Become a much more mature and insightful person. Buy some nylon rope and a silk scarf and "play" a little. You'll be amazed how much fun "playing" is. You'll find out so much more about yourself...really!
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
