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Wednesday, November 29, 2006 12:00 AM

The softer side of S/M

In his new collection of stories, Stephen Elliott examines his experiences with torture and love through admirably clear eyes.

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  • Wednesday, November 29, 2006 04:29 PM

    The simple mechanism

    behind this type of SM (although bondage without SM is different) is this: When we go through tremendously painful experiences, whether physical or emotional, an ancient (as yet mostly unacknowledged) defense mechanism kicks in and locks up the entirety of who we were and what we were feeling at the time we suffered the pain (unless we receive sufficient love and support in response to our pain). Consequently, for those such as Elliott, for whom an early experience of sexual involvement included being painfully raped by someone he found unattractive, in an environment where love and support were unavailalbe, this defense mechanism has locked up all the aspects of his personality that are able to be sexually responsive and expressive.

    But these locked up pieces want out. Gradually they pressure us from within until we arrange for them to escape. When that happens, we temporarily shift from who we are now, to who we were then (in totality). Many people do so through various chemicals, alcohol foremost, which release the locks (hence the peronsality changes in some drinkers), but it sounds as if, for Mr. Elliot, his psyche's chosen method of releasing his locked-up pieces is to arrange to set himself up for experiences which resemble his early rape(s) - painful sexual experiences at the hands of people he finds unattractive.

    Since the drive for sexual expression is such a vital and powerful aspect of our personalities, it's quite impossible to keep it under wraps, no matter what caused it to be locked away (as Rev. Haggard so recently revealed to the world, if not himself). These people have not created the cycles which have them ensnared, but ensnared they are until they find help to heal the original trauma, get their missing pieces integrated back into their natural personalities and discover who they were born to be before they were knocked off the track their lives might have taken under other circumstances.

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