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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Hypocrisy is like HSV1, the virus that causes cold sores; we've all been exposed to it and most of us are infected. It stays hidden in most of us nearly all the time, only becoming visible to others when it flashes into hideous, visible life. So just think of Caitlin Flanagan as having a particularly gruesome cold sore that never quite goes away. We should all be used to that by now; since the right became ascendant in American political and cultural life we've all had to learn to live with the disfigurement it has wrought. There was a time when an outbreak of this disease caused the sufferer shame and humiliation, but many of us, particularly those in the media, have learned to carry its weeping sores with a smugness that boggles the mind. So hold your head high, Caitlin! In the current epidemic your affliction will barely be noticed.
Ms. Walsh -
Thanks for a great article. I'm still trying to figure out who are these women who can afford to stay at home to raise their children. I personally know very few women who can afford this luxury, especially in these times of rising gas prices and high mortgages. The only women who can afford this type of lifestyle would be those who have married high paid hubbies, or don't mind living "low on the hog".
That Ms. Flanagan is a hypocrite is alright with me. Few people could really believe that a woman who had nannies and "cleaners" is really a stay-at-home mom in the traditional sense. It's obvious that her income as a writer, as well as that of her husband, allowed her to work from her home while raising her children via babysitters/nannies.
In the real world, most of us women have to work. It's simply not a choice. And, as a child whose mother worked, I can't say that I was deprived of motherly love. In fact, my mother's example of getting up everyday and working hard (along with her equally hardworking husband) has helped me to fulfill my own career goals, while being married. My mother showed me by working outside the home (and inside the home as a Day Care Provider) that women don't have to depend on men and that we can contribute equally to the household.
The 50s are over. They're not coming back for the majority of us. Ms. Flanagan, as-a-pretended-work-at-home mom, understands that well. She's just in denial.
sophiebrown wrote:
"We can't resolve the work v. stay at home issue by deciding which makes women happier, because neither are very appealing or pleasing alternatives in our society."
Not only that, but what makes one woman happy makes another totally miserable. I don't believe for a minute that I have the right to tell you that what makes me happy should make you happy, because it might not--and ultimately, it is YOU that has to determine what makes you happy, not me.
This whole "women's proper role" thing makes me queasy. If you want to stay at home with kids, fine--so long as that's what you want. If you want to work, fine--again, so long as it's what you want. But please don't tell me I'm a bad person if I work instead of stay at home, or vice versa. When will everybody get the obvious fact--that "women's proper role" is what we, ourselves, each of us as an individual, decides it should be? I thought that was, and is, the whole point of feminism; that we should each make our own choices according to our own ideals. It used to be, men defined "women's proper role," and there are many out there who still want to do that; we don't need women trying to define our "proper role" for other women as well. It's ours to define for ourselves, and that's what frightens many men.
Then again, why would anyone let a Caitlin Flanagan make her feel guilty for working outside the home? Why do you care if this ninny thinks you're a bad mother? Is she dropping by your house later to rant at you? Is she likely to hire you to work at home, so you can have the life she does? In the course of your real life, her opinion doesn't matter--it's just what she does to make money. Writers of her ilk prey on our own insecurities about the choices we've made. As a result of our own fears, writers like Flanagan make money off those very insecurities. I'd rather not enable her woman-bashing by buying her book.
Working outside the home *and* staying home to raise kids, and every possible combination in between, are all hard. These choices are also things nearly everyone has to deal with in life, unless you are fortunate enough to be born independently wealthy. Our choices are worthy of respect--and we should stop snarking at each other and start supporting each other, before we no longer have choices to make. Already, economic reality dictates that most women will have to work outside the home, whether we choose to or not. But beating each other up helps nobody.
I've read Caitlin Flanagan before, and I throughly enjoyed Joan's smack down of some of her blatant hypocrisy. I don't begrudge Flanagan's need or desire to outsource her housekeeping or her employment of a Nanny to help with child care. I just wish she could acknowledge that.
I've been a stay-at home mom (one without employed help)and I understand the desperate crave for a break from child care, and every mother needs breaks away from their children to regain their composure (or sanity).
However, it does bother me that Flanagan is so coy about her situation, and insists she still qualifies as a stay-at-home mother, when she actually just works from home. As anyone who has tried this knows, you can't concentrate on writing and giving your children full attention at the same time. Something has to give. I know several male writers who also have a similar
work-at-home arrangement but they would never identify themselves as "stay-at home" Dads alone, they always profess that they "work from home". Such a description is honest, while Flanagan is not. Why Flanagan can't just come clean with her own description of herself is irritating precisely because of the thinly veiled judgments she hurls at other women with less advantageous working arrangments. As for her cancer, I'm a breast cancer survivor myself, and my husband stood by me even though I am a self-identified feminist, was working, didn't keep an immaculate home, and we had no children at the time. I think Flanagan's cancer rant is just her own insecure ramblings when she finally realized that despite her glorious superior sacrifice to give her children all the superior "mother love" she is still mortal, and yes it can all come to an abrupt halt. Unfortunately, being a stay-at-home martyr doesn't sheild you from getting cancer. Maybe Flanagan thought it would. And being the breadwinner and masculine poster boy won't protect her husband (or her sons) from a similar diagnosis.
Bad events happen to all people, and the fact that her husband didn't leave her during her time of need, says more about the quality of her husband, than the "face" time Flanagan invested into staying at home.
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