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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Everything I read about Caitlin Flanagan points to a central issue she struggles with -- obsessive worry about not being loved enough. Most telling is her anecdote about her husband carrying her to the hospital when she had breast cancer, and thinking his loyalty was a result of her having subordianted her career and cooked him hot meals. Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? Love is not about some tit-for-tat accounting of good deeds. If that were so, wouldn't husbands of working women feel obligated to their wives for all the *actual* money their wives contributed to their well-being? Obviously, a good spouse will care for a sick spouse regardless of the circumstances, and a selfish one will not, regardless of the circumstances.
Flanagan also worries obsessively about her children loving their nanny more than her, and tries to get other women to be afraid that their kids will love their childcare providers more than them. In fact, her whole reason for working at home seems to be out of fear that her kids might grow to love someone else. I hate to think how they'll feel about her when they grow up, and how she will treat their spouses or partners.
The irony is, small children will love their mothers no matter what. I've worked in Child and Family Services before, and no matter how many times some mothers abandon their kids for jail or rehab, beat their kids, or neglect them, the kids still want to be with their mother, given the choice. Working mothers who send their kids to day care or leave them with a nanny really don't need to worry about losing their children's love. But if, like Caitlin Flanagan, you can't stand the thought of your child loving someone BESIDES you, by all means follow in her footsteps.
Both seem to protest too much. Is it that they really aren't enjoying themselves and wish the rest of their "sisters" to suffer with them?
What bothers me most about Ms. Flanagan is not what she demands of modern women (although that is irritating too), but that she is seemingly making these demands in a financial vacuum. What is so glaringly ignorant about this author's opinions (which Ms. Walsh mentions in her peice) is that most women cannot afford Catherine Flannagan's flamboyant rejection of feminism. I'm sure the nanny who garners so much jealously from Ms. Flanagan would love the luxury of staying home. Ms. Flanagan clearly sees no issue with making this woman (in her opinion) a bad mother by employing her to take care of her children, thereby depriving her of time with her own.
Ms. Flanagan does nothing to deal with the real issues of feminism, the same ones missed by Ms. Freidan and her ilk: that the burdens of poor women and women of color are often afterthoughts in the discussion of what feminism is and who women should be. If Ms. Flanagan is truly saying that women who work are not as good at mothering as their stay-at-home counterparts, then she is also saying by extesion that poor women (who often simply have to work) are not as good at mothering as their richer counterparts. Ms. Flanagan comes off as living an insular and selfish existence and not being in the position to give advice to any of us on what it means to be a woman or a mother.
"In the end, what did my boys gain from those thousand days they spent with me before school took them out into the larger world? Nothing, it seems to me, of any quantifiable value ... All they gained, really, was the sweetness of being with the person who loved them most in the world. All they gained was an immersion in the most powerful force on earth: mother love." ,
THAT paragraph is "sociopathic" to Joan Walsh? Holy shit.
I canceled my supscription long ago but I think it might be a while before I read Salon again...even with a site pass.
I mean- holy shit. Get a grip, Joan.
I was puzzled too by the desparate need for pity poor Caitlin strives for. I mean, yes, 7th grade can be tender for a young woman, but it's not like her mom joined the foreign service. I assume she was home occasionally.
Also, the girl with uncombed hair? Um, was there something preventing her from picking up a brush? My six year old makes her own lunch for crying out loud. (No, I don't feel guilty about that- just proud). I guess apocryphal stories don't make the best evidence.
Personally, I'm horrified that a magazine founded in part by the great Dorthy Parker sees fit to publish this bitch. I just wish I could see Mrs. Parker rip her a new one.
My mother never worked outside the home a day in her life. Neither did my mother-in-law. They were both stuck in loveless marriages that should have ended long before death took one of them. Because they had no idea how to make their own way in this world without a husband! So, they were stuck in a marriage! Neither one had worked out of the home a day in their life and had no idea how to go about doing it. I stayed at home until my children were grown! But, I don't think they were any better for it than if I had worked out! I also lost my identity! I finally got out and started working and went back to school to get a decent job. I personally think it's a bad idea for a woman to limit herself to the home. The day is going to come when the kids leave home! When she will be forced by circumstances to get a life!
I was astounded that Ms. Flanagan is also declaring war on Planned Parenthood-- reluctantly, she says. (See http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200605/letters/4 or the print version of the April Atlantic Monthly; and http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200601/oral-sex or the printed January/February edition).
She responds to a letter to the editor by saying:
"What Planned Parenthood’s new president finds 'age-appropriate' I find morally repugnant...The site (www.teenwire.com) instructs kids on anal and oral sex; it tells boys that they can reduce nocturnal emissions by engaging in sex play with a partner; it includes a glossary of slang terms, which I have no desire to repeat here. Children are welcome to address questions to the teenwire.com experts..."
Oh, scandal of scandals: Children! Asking questions about sex!
Kudos, then, to Karen Pearl (Interim President of Planned Parenthood) for her measured reply. (also available at http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200605/letters/4)
Incidentally, I couldn’t find any instructions on anal or oral sex, or the glossary of slang terms, and – believe me—I looked. I did, however, get 10 out of 10 questions about the clitoris correct. Which might come as a surprise, or shock even, to several of my ex-girlfriends. (For the record, I regrettably must admit I’m 31, quite far from a teen.)
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