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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Dilletante. Faker. Hate monger.
I am a full time stay at home parent of three. God knows I had no time to write thousands and thousands of coherent words. (My blog doesn't count. That's therapy.)
My husband and I are both college educated people. I have accepted that because of my "CHOICE" to be a housewife we will most likely be living our working class lifestyle permanently. I cook 90% or more of our meals. We have no dishwasher, so I wash. I can. I mend. I buy used, I garden. I try to keep up with the mess left by 5 people and a dog. I WORK AS A HOUSEWIFE. Housewifery is my job. I work and work and work. This is in addition to taking care of my children. All parents 'parent.' To me though it's doing the shitwork yourself that makes you a housewife.
I am not a "natural" at this. It takes effort. It takes expertise. Being a housewife can be a bona fide job. And let me tell you this. I can't wait to get a "real" job. I am so competent at what I do, but feedback is rare (EWWWWWW! What is this stuff?), and usually negative ( I am chuckling, It's not so bad). The only time what I do usually gets noticed is when I don't do it! I have started temping, and I must say I love it. Work is so structured. I will be one of those moms who says, "OK. You've had enough of me, I think!"
I resent her "I'm a housewife!" schtick. She is not. She is a wife. She is a mother. She is a writer. But she is NOT a housewife!
Ms. flanagan may not even be that much of a mother. Child bearing is not child rearing. Hired help doesn't count. Quality time is a bullshit concept. When the child is open, when those moments come to you, can't be punched into your daytimer. Be there, or not. Free choice.
Earlier today I swapped some mean spirited words with a character from South Park. After some consideration it dawned on me that I missed the point of the article. It's easy (and sometimes fun) to point out the mistakes of others. It sucks when they point out your mistakes. At the end of the day nothing has changed and you feel like a jerk for pointing out someones errors and you feel like a fraud cause they pointed out yours. Doesn't it make sense to admit to each other that none of us have the answers and we're just guessing? Let's face it, Flanagan is no authority on how to be a mom, or a wife, or anything.....which is acctually the refreshing thing about her, though it would be nice if she acknowledged it.
>Salon writers have got to learn to take a deep breath and ignore some people who don't deserve the energy you expend on them.<
...and ignoring them has led to more and more anti-feminist domestic-angels-uber-alles commentators like Flanagan. Come on--seemingly every other freakin' month sees new "do as I say, not as I do" books from Ann Crittenden, Sylvia Hewlett, Katie O'Beirne, etc., etc. These folks need to be called out on their hypocrisy and disdain for real women every chance we get. Not only are they not practicing what they preach, what they preach isn't at all workable or realistic. And these kind of lies have a damaging culmulative effect--they don't address the real problems, and they want to make everyone think turning back the clock is the only solution.
>Obviously, she felt abandoned by her mother as a child & is blaming it on her mother going to work, thus she is hashing it all out in public via her writings<
I bet if you checked out right-wing pundits in general, resentment of the mother that couldn't/wouldn't stay at home for them (or proved she was a human, not a saint) is a major reason why they hate feminism--and women, for that matter.
Caitlin Flanagan is more to be pitied than censured, in my book. Yes, she has money, a nanny, a great writing pedigree, enviable book and article contracts, and, no doubt, a killer agent. I don't bother reading anything under her bylines anymore, because her smug snarkiness is so self-aggrandizing and mean-spirited, but back when I did get sucked in by her admittedly fine writing she struck me as the poster child for brainy, compassionless female narcissism. Her self-loathing and inward emotional turmoil roil and churn below the glassy surface and the breezy lines. If she is, as I suspect, a complete narcissist, then that means she was raised by narcissists, is incapable of genuine, unconditional give-and-take love and connection, can only operate in a tight circle of others like her, and is likely be feared and despised by her children, in turn. Nothing I've ever read by her leads me to think she's ever felt relaxed, fulfilled, or deeply loved. And even her cancer cure -- I'm sure she had the best doctors and the finest care -- leads her to more judging, rationalization, and self-delusion. So if she pisses you off, view her instead as a cautionary example....the kind of person you don't want to be. The kind of person who will get shriller with time and will always have admirers, but who will keep missing the boat when it comes to love and compassion. How sad to have so many blessings and connections but so little heart.
Well put, Wordnerd, well put...
Please, what kind of 7th grader feels abandoned when their mother returns to work? Did she need Mommy to tie her shoes and fix her lunch at that age? Someone soon to enter high school ought to be showing a little more independence and autonomy! Jeez, most 7th graders want to see a lot less of their parents! Perhaps feeling nervous about a change in lifestyle is understandable, but get over it 20 years later, for Christ's sake!
My mom stayed home with me in the early years and then gradually returned to work as I entered preschool. She still found time to volunteer at school functions (so did my dad) and we spent plenty of "quality time" together. When I was at an appropriate age, I would stay home alone for an hour or so until my mom got off work, and it didn't make me feel abandoned or emotionally scar me. And she didn't have to employ a nanny!
I realize that everyone has unique feelings and perceptions and I should respect that, but ***damn! What daughter would resent her mother for pursuing a career when her child is in junior high and doesn't need 24-7 at-home mom support? What kind of person are you if you are hung up on missing out on maternal *pampering* but you hire a nanny to take care of your kids when you are working in the same damn house!
Feel free to ignore this blatant rant
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
