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• Wednesday, April 12, 2006 08:01 AM

  Wifely duties?

  Where did this notion that women owe men sex come from?

  Men owe *women* sex. Why did we marry them, when we could have probably had a lot more time and personal freedom had we stayed single, if it wasn't for the fact that now we have a regular sex partner who can take the time to learn what we like in bed?

  No, seriously, neither men nor women "owe" each other sex, but speaking as a feminist who has both been the primary breadwinner for the family, and is now a "stay-at-home mom" with a paying job I do in my home... I like sex with my husband. I like lots of it. It's not a duty I perform for him, it's something I do with him because *I* want to, and if I didn't want to, then why the hell did I marry him?

  Sex is not something we are obligated to "give" men. Sex is something men and women should want to do with each other, for themselves as well as for each other. The idea of a sex life predicated on what you "give" your partner rather than what your partner gives you seems infinitely sad to me. If it's all about give, give, give and never get, then why are you married? You could live alone, have an active social life with many friends, and masturbate when you wanted sex, and you'd probably be happier *and* more sexually fulfilled than if your sex life is all about giving and never getting.

  I can't take seriously anyone who talks about feminists not "giving" men sex. No, feminists don't give men sex. They get sex from men. Men seem to like it just fine that way, at least in my experience. I mean, porn is all about the male fantasy that women want sex and are as assertive about getting it from men as men are and do from women. Obviously, *men* don't have a problem with women getting sex from them because they like sex, as opposed to giving it to them as a wifely duty. So what's Flanagan's problem? She doesn't like sex? She just does it to be nice to her husband? I'm sure *that* makes her happy. I'm sure it thrills him, too.

  —alarajrogers Read alarajrogers's other letters
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