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• Wednesday, January 10, 2007 06:31 AM

  Who gets to define you?

  So the writer doesn't buy Caitlin Flanagan's self-identifying as a stay-at-home mom? Because she hires "help", because she does serious work? Why not? Flanagan made a conscious choice to be at home. She did what was necessary to make that happen.

  There is a difference between being at home and not being at home, and the difference doesn't fall in salary, career, or who cleans the toilet. The difference is whether you're there or you're not there.

  Like Flanagan, I chose to be at home with my children. I didn't give up work. I made a lot of choices to fit with what I wanted, which was to be home with my children. I could have identified myself as "working mother". I could have gone with "stay-at-home mother". Was I both? neither? Who gets to decide? Evidently the writer of this article feels she gets to decide for me. She'll weigh all the evidence -- babysitters? home office or kitchen table? -- and then hand me my papers. Well, as Flanagan might say, to hell with that.

  I don't worry about labeling myself for others, but if pressed, I would choose stay-at-home mother, because the working part is just so redundant. But evidently I'm not allowed to define myself, based on my own values, beliefs, and intentions. And I guess I have to turn in my feminist papers, too, since I do think that my children and I both gained tremendously from my being at home. So be it. And to hell with it.

  —Lori McWilliam
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