"I wasn't doing a scientific study; I was going around the world and spending a few weeks in each place and interviewing whoever would talk to me. So I wondered if that would give me a fair enough sense for how people really behave."

"But now that I have the statistics on how many Brazilian men cheat, and how many Peruvians cheat, and Dominicans, I think I would have a more scientific perspective."

So which is it? Anecdotal evidence or actual scientific study? Why do so many Salon articles tend to have these blatant contradictions within the article?

(in order) no diseases, no babies, no fallings in love, and when you are caught - stop.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who teaches graduate classes on counseling couples, let me say unequivocally that encouraging the cheating partner to disclose every single detail down to the number of blow jobs is NOT a part of therapy after an affair. Rather, therapy should walk a very fine line in which the cheating partner takes responsibility for having lied to and decieved the hurt partner, and makes information available to the hurt partner, BUT the hurt partner in part works with the therapist to figure out which details they really want and need to know, and which details will only cause more hurt. Presuming both parties *want* to work on rebuilding trust, of course, and are not just seeking to dissolve the relationship humanely.

She could have just gotten anecdotal evidence herself and read poll results conducted by other people.

An interesting article but the article seemed to be focusing on the men who were having affairs. It got me wondering, all these men are having affairs but with whom? Single women? Married women? Logic leads me to think that most of women in these illicit affairs were married yet this was hardly talked about.

... by pointing out that couples therapy is not supposed to operate the way it is (ever so briefly) described in this article. I shudder to imagine the session in which the person who had an affair gets total control over what is disclosed and revels in recounting every little detail about the sexual acts involved. I don't think many competant therapists would go for that.

On the other hand, there are some terribly incompetant therapists out there in the world. The author's atitude about couples therapy may very well have been earned.

I'd be interested to know how different cultures treat extramarital affairs in therapeutic settings as well.

The author´s whole approach is so hilariously American I laughed out loud.

It´s earnest, eager to learn, and utterly confident that if you go around talking to people, noting down what they say with your notepad and pen you will somehow find ´the truth´.

Anyone read Nancy Mitford´s novels ´The Blessing´ and ´Don´t Tell Alfred´. These are satirical novels set in France, sending up the sexual mores of the French, English and Americans. The author of this article would have been perfect in one of those novels as the blind yet overeager American who wouldn´t know a nuance or even a self serving lie if she fell over it.

And the whole misuse of ´scientific´ is sad almost. When are Americans going to learn that perhaps it´s not the best way to study the human heart, or human culture to put it under a microscope and prod it hard until it responds.

If you want to know about affairs look at films and literature. Look into your own heart, or that of a close friend when they´ve suffered or when they´ve got away with something. That will tell you something useful. Something worth knowing.

The marriage indulstrial complex? How about the American quest for knowledge and domination of everything threatening or unknown? Foucault would have had a field day with this one. I recommend the author read The History of Sexuality for a start on problematising even TALKING about this topic.

Sometimes Americans are just so stupid you can´t help feeling sorry for them.

Finally, obviously, the author has suffered from an affair. Doesn´t quite know what to do with the awful crap it dredges up inside. Thinks: what if I wrote a BOOK about this. Found out that I´m not alone or unusual in this feeling. Proved that it happens to everyone. Proved that therapy is useless and therefore I don´t have to go. Bingo! I can make money and achieve fame at the same time. There, now it hasn´t all been for naught becuase I´ve ACHIEVED something. And THAT is so American.

Cheating, infidelity and adultery (to corrupt, voluntary violation of the marriage bed) are hardly neutral words to describe what Ms. Druckerman proposes to examine. Does she imagine that asking people, "Do you feel guilty when you cheat?" doesn't guide them to the expected answer.

Likewise, I know that in many Asian cultures people will not tell you what they really think but instead will tell you what they think you want to hear or what they think they are supposed to say. This is true even amongst family members and close friends. So, to expect that an informal interview with someone from a different culture will reveal deeply held beliefs is facile.

I have visited and lived in Thailand for about 20 years. Here, any man with any wealth or ambition is expected to have a minor wife or 2 and make at least occasional visits to the brothel. The primary wife is not likely to complain or admit to any disappointment as long as she maintains some control over the family finances and is seen at important public functions with her husband. Her most important relationships are likely to be between her and her children. Marriages are made primarily for financial security and to provide a framework within which to have children. Romance, love and sex are not necessarily expected to be part of the arrangement. Many wives are happy to let someone else take care of their husband's sexual needs.

Does all this occasionally get messy and lead to disappointment? Of course, but people in closed monogamous relationships are often disappointed and unhappy too. Believing that most people are going to find one person who will be their primary emotional support, primary financial support, best friend, only and best sexual partner 'til death do they part seems obviously delusional to me.