To Joanna--

While it might be true in the short term, or for some people, that "toughening up" works better than hope, in the long run, I'm with (of all people) Clinton on this: go with your hopes, not your fears.

This guy was not the very first romantic relationship you were in, was it? But, by your own description, this relationship was deeper, more serious, more involving, more powerful, and more real, than those that had come before? (Hence the pain, of course.) The point is, that this is not the LAST relationship you will have. (That you thought it was at the time is the source of the pain, but doesn't change anything.)

And, if you play it right and/or get lucky, the next relationship (or the next, or the next) will be so much better, or at least better for you, that it will be clear in retrospect that this one was just a stepping-stone, a stop on the way.

How do you get the strength and self-confidence, the willingness to put your heart on the line again, when you're feeling so wrecked, so empty, so doubtful of yourself? Maybe you don't for now. Maybe you wait until you've gotten some distance and healed some, which WILL happen. Or maybe you do it by making yourself go out and meet people, despite all your fears, maybe even against your desires, because you know you have to. You'll figure out the how and the when for yourself.

How long will it take? After every breakup that I went thru, I'd poll my friends, and I got so many different answers. One said it was a month for every year that you were involved. (I never met that deadline.) Another, most helpfully, said I'd get over the last one when I got on the next one. (No it wasn't a guy who said that, and no she wasn't right either -- not entirely, anyway.) You'll do it in your own time, and in your own way. But you will get over it; almost everyone eventually does.

Meantime, just remind yourself that this or something like it happens to almost everyone, and though you might at times wish you could die from it, very few people do. If you need to be reminded of this, go watch some sappy movies or read some chick-lit; listen to some sad songs; and cry if it helps. But you will get through it, and possibly even be better for it; you have strengths that you will discover because of this breakup.

Also, if what you want (as it seems to be) is permanence, stability, marriage, family, then every relationship that doesn't work is one closer to the one that does.

nothing like a beautiful theory knocked down by an ugly fact. No, s-p., it's not just people with weight issues who found value in this piece. I'm a male in his mid-30s who's never been more than 5 pounds off "normal" in either direction. But I was moved, pleased, encouraged, and entertained by it nonetheless, and am glad to have found it, glad that Ms Golden wrote it, glad that Salon published it.

By your logic, nobody but the castrated could profitably read Hemingway's "Sun Also Rises." Fortunately, some of us can be moved by literature that's not just about us, or people just like us.

Beyond this, though, i can't help but wonder at all the people (whose numbers seem to rise daily) who clearly enjoy writing in about this terrible piece or that awful column, bemoaning the horrible waste of bandwidth, and of their o-so-precious time. See, me, when I find something tedious, I usually GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. I sure don't COMPOUND the waste by spending even MORE time WRITING A LETTER bemoaning the waste! I guess I'm funny that way. But then I've always been a bit weird around the fringes. That probably explains it.

Salon readers/posters do us proud -- the very first posting sorta addressed this issue. Given that no abortion can ever take place without some male involvement, it would be good if there were a petition/t-shirt/etc option not just for male fellow-travelers, but for us males who have been responsible for necessitating an abortion. (I got vasectomied after that, so it would never happen again.) If every male who were responsible for a pregnancy were FORCED to deal with the "consequences" in the same way that the women were, does anyone seriously think the political climate would show anywhere NEAR whatever level of support the anti-choicers now enjoy?

And for the poster who said that every abortion involves ending a life -- that's a matter of personal religious belief, and varies considerably even within a given denomination. The Roman Catholic church, which gives such voice to the anti-choice crowd, did not believe that ensoulment happened at conception until very late in the day (I think it was in or even after the 19th c., but could be wrong). That YOU believe "a life" is lost does not in any way obligate the rest of us to recognize or support that belief.

I've never understood why the Roe v Wade decision, which even some leftist scholars consider questionable on Constitutional grounds, was based on the "penumbras" of privacy claims that were not explicitly voiced in the Constitution. I would have thought that a freedom-of-religion argument would have better withstood scrutiny. Any ConLaw scholars out there can explain what, if anyting, is wrong with that analysis?

"»» The tongue of a kinkajou measures about 5 inches in length and is used to lap up nectar and insects, which the animal eats."

From the KC zoo website

...me, or your lying eyes?