Dear Spazzy Pee Girl,

Nice to meet you. ;) To show solidarity, I once had a bout of diarrhea at my desk in third grade. I carried my dirty underwear in a brown bag to my father, who had come to bring me a change of clothes afterwards. The humiliation and mortification was intense.

I don't really think of that often. I don't feel like it was a big part of the childhood that left me damaged. But I understand how you feel.

This is perhaps the first time that I really think Cary avoided one of the important issues. I agree with what he has said, but I think something got missed in here.

You write: "but if I let him see this deepest side of myself and he doesn't think it's any good, I'd be crushed."

To my eye, this was the most important part of your letter. More important than being spazzy, or having a bladder control problem. This speaks deeply to experiences I have in the world. People in my close circle of friends talk about the concept of secrecy a lot, about why keeping certain parts of ourself secret is important. Why we don't always share the deepest parts of ourselves, and you have just pegged the reason.

When a person has an experience that is deeply meaningful to them, whether it be spiritual, creative, emotional, or other, that experience changes them. Too often in this world, when we share those experiences our audience will smirk and say "That's all?" or "I don't get it." or "What's special about that?"

We go "huh?" and then we feel dejected. We have shared this immensely beautiful moment of our lifes experience, and this person has devalued it, judged it wanting, and denied our right to the beauty of the experience. How DARE they? How dare people take those special moments away from us like that? But they do dare. They do it daily.

They still do it. I admire Cary deeply. Almost every day he shares beautiful and meaningful experiences from his life. He shares them in hope that they will be meaningful and helpful guideposts to the people who've written to him for advice. Every day, dozens of people try to devalue his experience. They tell him, verbosely, that his experience is invalid, irrelevant, and unhelpful. Cary's strength of purpose and strength of character in recognizing the value of his own experience despite these detractors is an inspiration to me.

So your fear is valid. It's a fear we have to carry around. It helps us set boundaries. Setting those boundaries helps us be mindful of those special experiences. It keeps those special experiences in a special place of our mind, a place that gives them value and meaning and power.

So you have to find a balance between sharing your gift with the world, and keeping some special part of that gift for yourself. I do agree with Cary, as a creative myself, you can not deny your gift. So ask yourself if you can play and sing with this man and hold on to the special feeling. Make it clear to him that your music is special to you, and that you share it reluctantly. Let him know that you are trusting him, and that you want to share it organically.

If this guy is the guy you describe him to be, he understands. The fact that he is encouraging you tells me he probably already understands, but you need to let him know your feelings anyway. It's part of raising your hand and letting him know you have to go to the bathroom. Let him know you have to sing, and it might be embarassing for him to know that you have to sing, but you have to sing anyway.

LW,

I hear a lot of the pain and struggles you and your partner are going through. I second Cary's recommendation that you take some time to find yourself and your own needs in all of this.

Having been aware of my own kinkiness from a very young age, I'm also well aware of what your partner is going through at this moment. It's hard to come to realizations about yourself that are not flattering or in line with our common culture.

He's lucky to have you, as you have already accepted much of who and what he is in the face of much cultural adversity, and you should be commended. I encourage you to find the strength to make your family work however it can. If you can be the person your man needs, that's wonderful. If you can't, discuss the possibility of him finding someone extra-marital to satisfy his urges with. Work with him to find an arrangement that will satisfy you both.

Thanks for this. Not only did it give me a good chuckle, but it reminds me how many people out there (influential and otherwise) support the glbtq community and our struggle for equal rights.

To all those who don't get the humor, or don't find it funny, this is the sort of shame and trouble gay, bisexual, transgendered, and all variety of queer people deal with on a daily basis. Our (probably fictional) LW seems absurd because our culture has trouble imagining heterosexuality being shameful or persecuted. Should we read the same letter from a homosexual, we might find it stirring and heart-felt. It's a poignant reminder that our culture, even though it's come very far in recent years, recognizes the pain of being 'other,' even if it's not willing to do anything about it.

Cary's response is well put, as he should respond to the letter if it were from a homosexual. Treating the LW with respect, humor, a supportive voice, and an underlying courage to accept yourself and live in the world you want to create.

Well said and played.