Jesus feeds the 5000 (Matthew 14)

As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food." Jesus replied, "Why did these welfare queens show up without food? Did they expect Big Brother to provide food for them because socialism has made them lazy and weak?" Then, recognizing the potential for profit, Jesus asked his disciples "Do we have any food to sell at a reasonable markup? I mean, the demand must be super-high, and there's obviously a limited supply." "We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered. "Bring them here to me," he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks to himself for being so smart and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over, and wrote the baskets off as a loss. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children. And Jesus made so much money that he was able to buy a beach house. But lo, the Romans tried to cut into the holy profit with a capital gains tax, and Jesus had to to place the money in a tax shelter to avoid the evil socialist big government tax policy of the democrat socialist Romans.

Jesus on taxes (Matthew 22):

Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. "Teacher," they said, "we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are. Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"

Jesus answered: "Only enough to provide for the common defense. Sometimes the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants, especially evil swarthy socialist tyrants." He then proceeded to pull out a semi-automatic handgun and brandish it in a threatening manner.

Jesus counsels the Rich Young Ruler:

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?" "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments." "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, "'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,' and 'love your neighbor as yourself (except those that are diffent than you or want to impose their lifestyle on you).'" "All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered "If you want to be perfect, go, protest outside of your local abortion clinic. Blame natural disasters on homosexuals. Campaign for the Ten Commandments to be erected outside every courthouse, and demand that prayer be reintroduced in public schools. Do this, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then retire to a warm climate and enjoy the fruits of your labors."

When the young man heard this, he went away happy, because he knew he could do all those things without any personal sacrifice whatsoever.

Good points. I actually had a highly-educated guy tell me exactly that: once you get "saved" you're good to go, and it doesn't matter how you live your life after that. In fact, he said that most Christians get worse after they get "saved." Which goes to show how abysmal theology is in most American churches. Put simply, the concept of salvation by grace through faith alone means that "good deeds" are not a prerequisite to get into heaven. However, considering that being "saved" should be a profound change, what with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and "any man in Christ is a new creation," it seems fair to ask, as James did, whether this supposed faith is worth anything if it doesn't produce a BETTER person. I chalk it up to distinctly American idea that God exists to serve us and not the other way around.

A quick note about creation being doomed. There is a concept in the Bible (we called it stewardship) that nothing we possess is really ours; rather, God has given us our possessions to use for his glory. This includes all of creation, which God gave humans dominion over. As a result, Christians should be concerned with protecting all of creation. This is why you see even fundamentalist Christians like that dude from California starting to preach on the need for conservation. Anyhow, more altered Bible passages please.