A little Dr. Seuss (from what I remember:

Be who you are

Say what you mean

For those who matter don't mind, and

Those who mind don't matter.

Oh, boy.

This letter hits pretty close to home. I was attracted to the older, married advisor/supervisor, I broke up with my steady, I had a non-sexual relationship with said married advisor/supervisor, it became sexual, he divorced, I married him. We're now divorced. That's the fatal part.

There are some strange but somewhat understandable forces going on here for those of us who have taught at universities--the old "professor as god" delusion, the desire for approval and belonging, the shared academic pursuits, the thrill of the affair, etc. etc. In the academic setting, it's amplified, and there are often many opportunities to have these relationships due to time (flexible hours, time to be away from the office or home without explanation or seeming weird), space (campus areas at night, even restaurants where it seems it's just a professor and student),working closely together on research, traveling to conferences and close faculty/student interactions (expected between diligent student and learned advisor). That's wordy but you get the picture.

So--that being said, I feel I was dishonest about my intentions and my actions during my similar experience. I hurt people, so did he. I felt awful about hurting the others in our lives, especially after divorcing him. I wallowed in it for awhile. The chase of the unavailable, the catch (getting married), and the reality didn't live up to the "dream" past some brief and painful pheremonal experiences.

So . . . if I were you, allow yourself some time to review and learn and mourn, but don't stay there. Move on, get out, meet new people, observe your interactions. Like Cary says, the feeling language doesn't come easily to everyone. I think talking with friends about their experiences, going to movies, reading books,socializing with couples in solid good relationships that provide examples of what you are looking for--all possible ways to get perspective on expressing feelings.

Good luck, you sound like a caring guy who deserves an honest, loving partner. I'm 51--I found an amazing, honest, thrilling one (online almost six years ago!)and so can you if you forgive, trust, open up, and believe.

Valerie

You don't have to become BFF, but do make the call. Keep it light, keep it brief, keep it friendly. If you meet for coffee, meet in a public place. Maybe even invite a third person he knows along.

BUT--do not enable behavior--do not take on this person's issues, do not get swallowed up in his needs. If you feed any drama, you're not doing anyone any favors. If he truly needs help, you may be able to steer him to someone who can help him in a dignified, caring way.

I agree with Cary--think how you'd feel if the worst happened. But also think how you'd feel if the best happened.

Valerie

I love this! Hillary Clinton lost my vote awhile ago due in part to her continued and increasing "thuggish" campaigning and threats.

For the LW who thinks Breathed is "for Obama"--read the strip again. And then again. Enjoy your burgers.

Dear LW:

I,too, found myself questioning my parent's religious teachings. After completing the whole confirmation/baptism classes at 13, I said "thanks but no thanks" and didn't go through with the actual baptism (dunking, so to speak). I guess I was the first to opt out and it caused a bit of controversy. At first, my parents were upset, then it lessened to perplexed, and over time gave us the opportunity to discuss our common beliefs and respect those that differed.

This took about 20 years. But it was worth it to stand up for _me_ and let them know that I appreciated and loved them but was my own person.

Now, as a member of a progressive, enlightening, dare I say FUN church (am I allowed to say the name in my letter? It's Unity, over 100 years of "new thought"-not Unitarian), I am drawn to the notion of belief systems that address divine potential v. sin redemption. This helps me see the broad continuum of belief systems/faiths/religion/ spirituality. My parents were of the sin redemption thought, we are born of original sin, etc. of the conservative Christian movement. They have a bit of a hard time with my notion of the divine within my spirit. For me, I find grace in accepting all religious faiths and politics, sexuality, race, gender . . . the list goes on. I'm not saying my parents or any others are wrong, or that "my religion is better than your religion" but there are many ways to seek, learn, and grow spiritually.

"Shop around" for those who share your beliefs, either in a church or other spiritual setting. This is an evolving experience--who you find kindred spirits today might not be in a year. It's perfectly ok to change who you gravitate to over time. I visited a number of churches and non-traditional spiritual groups over the years. There were a few dark times, but I always reached for a better feeling. Know that you are following a great path as many of us have, in some way, shape or form, have before.

So. You seem pretty together for a teenager. Continue to believe in yourself, I say. Be gentle but true, and respect your parents. If going to their church is just too much dissonance with your emerging beliefs, find a way to honor their wishes by going occasionally and for Christmas, Easter . . . "

Keep smiling, listen to your inner voice and celebrate your divine potential!

Valerie