First, I'd just like to say that I like Carey's response. I appreciate that he brings our attention to the complexity of all folks--the goodness that threads through the 'bad,' and the shitheadedness that threads through the 'good.' I appreciate that he brings our attention to the incredible and difficult challenge that is loving the folks who deeply trouble us, and that he reminds us that this challenge is a moral obligation.

I also sympathize entirely with the posters who have asserted that racism/sexism/etc. are most properly countered with firm, firm boundaries and consequences--that it is important to let people know that they cost themselves something, in this case the pleasure of our company and friendship, when they give into fear and hatred.

Sigh.

It seems to me that these two positions are not mutually exclusive, that in fact they cannot be. When we cut people out of our lives, even for 'their own good' or for some larger social good, we effectively shut down our opportunity to participate in their growth. Conversely, we also shut down our opportunity to grow ourselves through meeting the challenge to love and live with them.

This isn't easy shit, at all. My own family, both chosen and traditional, is a very, very patchworky quilt of folks. My family of origin is Jewish, with atheists, agnostics, Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox members of the tribe. My sister-in-law, aunt, cousin, and the family they connect us to are African American, with a similar variety of non-and/or-believing Jews, Seventh Day Adventists, assorted other Christians, and Buddhists. My husband and I keep an interfaith home, culturally Jewish and Congregationalist, spiritually Shambhala Buddhist. His family is a very sweet bunch of largely white, middle to upper class, Republican types, with a smattering of Democrat agnostics and one ex-minister who's more persuaded by Indian religions than anything else anymore. In all slices of our family pie-chart, we have gay and lesbian family.

For us, family gatherings are a volatile situation indeed. My liberal, atheist, Jewish father can be a real asshole about believers. Some of my white, Congregationalist, very decent in-laws can be real assholes about queer people and people of color. A lot of us, myself included, can just be plain old real assholes. Over the years, I've tried cutting some folks out of get-togethers, and others out of my life. I've also tried desperately to manage the various strains of assholery, to limit the amount of damage done by one family member to another.

Anymore, I've largely given up on all that. Just like I do when a non-family member acts like a _____-ist asshole, when a family member does, I tell them I don't like what they're doing/saying, I tell them why, and I ask them to quit it. Sometimes this results in a really rewarding conversation, sometimes in the person changing his or her behavior, at least around me, sometimes it leads to a fight or otherwise wretched day. But they all keep showing up at Thanksgiving and birthdays and Christmas and Passover and Chanukah and, even more importantly, at funerals and visitations and shiva calls. For a day or a few hours at a time, they get along; they're nice to each other; they help one another.

Basically, we just keep showing up and doing our best. No one gets thrown out; no one gets particularly indulged in whatever brand of assholery they excel in. This complex, shifting, often uncomfortable, often richly rewarding, always challenging web of connection is what our family can offer to the larger process of making a more just and equitable community.

I hope it is of benefit.

LW,

While I completely dig the whole world-peace orientation of Cary's answer, I wouldn't follow all of his advice, if I were you. I would, absolutely, cut your losses on this one, asap. I would not, however, go tell him that you privilege good relations with neighbors above $ and all that.

Here's the thing. I believe very much in the kind of thing Cary advocates in his advice, generally, but when you're dealing with someone who's kid is violent to animals, who doesn't set boundaries for his kid, who does public drunken rages, and the like, and who threatens you with violence if you just ask for your money back after you've been nothing but helpful, what you need is a strong show of boundaries.

Either tell him, without malice but very firmly, that he owes you money, and that while you don't expect to get it anymore, you do expect that he and his son will leave you and yours entirely alone forever, or simply do not talk to him, ever again. Keep your eyes peeled, either way, and at least file an incident report with the police about the vandalism and the threats. If you've got a serious bruiser among your own friends, and you're not one, consider asking your friend to have a little chat with him about leaving you folks the fuck alone. Better still, have a cop friend stop by on him off-duty. (In uniform, but off-duty is scarier than on-duty.)

And then, start working on figuring out how to keep being the kind, giving person you clearly are (God bless noble mechanics!), but how to set boundaries a little closer to home, so you're less likely to get hung up with crazy people in this way in the future.

Generosity (both material and of the spirit) and peaceful dialogue are absolutely where it's at, but when you're dealing with crazy people with a predilection for solving problems through intimidation and violence, especially when you live with a woman more vulnerable to that kind of thing than you are, do not fuck around.

Wishing you the best