Letters to the Editor
Jan VanDenBerg
Published Letters: 45
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We need to get beyond our own selfish genes to call it "meaningful"
[Read the article: Do I have to be a mommy to "opt out"?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Doing things for your children is the closest thing there is to doing things for yourself. They are one-half you. One-half their genes are your genes. And, they are usually one-half the person closest to you, a person who want to please for your own selfish reasons -- your spouse.
Here, the children are one-quarter you. OK, a little less than usual, but still pretty darn close to being you.
Loving oneself, loving one's family, loving one's tribe, loving one's nation . . . big whoop.
Why is doting on one's own not recognized as the one-millimeter outwardly-extended selfishness which it is?
We need to embrace the larger family of humankind, or the order of mammals, or vertebrates or . . . the Planet Earth to have really gotten beyond ourselves to be doing something "meaningful."
Doting on one's own children is just instinct, genes; the lowest animals do it.
The LW needs to try harder and to think more deeply about what life really means and what the Planet really needs in order to find real meaning and not just a comfortable cop-out.
Jan VanDenBerg
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She'll still be young when the kids are grown -- then what?
[Read the article: Do I have to be a mommy to "opt out"?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Looked at from a viewpoint of simple selfishness, if needing "meaning" in one's life is a selfish desire, consider: LW is 35 years old. The kids are 1-5 years old. The children will all be beyond wanting to spend time with her and the two families will be beyond needing her help all that much when those kids are 12 (as several posters have pointed out). At that point, LW will be 42-47 years old. About half-way through life.
That is very very young to be looking backward on whatever was supposed to have provided "meaning" to your life.
When the youngest one, who is, say, 0, is 18, has gone off to college and doesn't have time even for his/her own MOTHER, let alone a "maiden Aunt," LW will be 53. Not exactly dead yet.
She will be looking forward to another 35-40 years of life.
40 years is a very long time.
Those kids aren't going to fill that "void." LIFE needs to fill that "void." HER life.
Do something really meaningful with it. Find a cause. Find something to live for.
This "sisters' kids" thing will do more than to delay her "meaning of life" crisis for about 10 years. Then, it will be back, only worse because she will be older.
I think LW is totally copping out. She is afraid of life. The kids are an excuse to move home and do comfortable, predictable, noncontroversial things which temporarily delay the grappling she needs to do with the question of what she is going to do with her life.
We all need to do something which is beneficial to the Planet or to humankind with our lives in order to find meaning. I don't think helping with sisters' kids is big enough a project to qualify as bringing "meaning" to a person's life.
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I've always thought your advice had an irresponsible ring to it -- and now we have proof
[Read the article: I hate my cat!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]In your own words:
I got this warm fuzzy notion a couple of years ago that we would remodel our house and make it a beautiful place. I figured, let's just go for it. Borrow the money, hire the people, do the work and figure out later how to pay for it.
Now, that's IRRESPONSIBLE. Financially irrational.
I still shudder at the advice you gave a woman not too long ago about having a kid she know she couldn't afford. More or less: "Go ahead, kids don't cost too much."
Naw, unless you have some minimum basic standards with regard to the EDUCATION and CARE of that kid.
You really need to think about this area of your brain, Cary, if you are going to be giving other sorry cases advice.
We've all made our mistakes, but this is a habitual pattern of thought, here.
Jan VanDenBerg
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Give the cat to a farmer for a BARN CAT
[Read the article: I hate my cat!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Many farmers want aggressive, enterprising, healthy, immunized cats.
All cats have the instincts they need to survive on a farm, where there are mice to be fascinated upon, chased and eaten.
Put an ad into a newspaper like The Fencepost (Google it) or any of many other rural newspapers. Or, look at a map and find the closest farm community to your home. Google up its newspaper. Put in an ad for a BARN CAT, fully immunized and healthy.
If he has been neutered, don't mention it. This makes male cats lazy and farmers don't like it. They spay, but they don't neuter.
If you get no response, try a different newspaper or offer to pay $10 to anyone who will take your BARN CAT.
You will find many people who are interested. Any respectable barn or farm needs several cats. The farmers will not feed them; they will live quite well on the mice which the farmers want killed.
No sweat, what to do with your cat.
He will be SO HAPPY. My best wishes to your cat, who is obviously too sane to adapt to the hideous, confinement which city dwellers erroneously consider adequate for feline contentment. Of course, he is miserable.
I've rescued three feral baby kittens myself; they make excellent pets and are not more aggressive than "ordinary" non-feral cats if they are handled and loved before weaning.
All three are loving, affectionate house cats and have made excellent pets. I still own one and I gave the other two away after nursing them to health, giving them their shots, etc.
Once kittens are weaned and about half-grown, it is too late; you will never tame that cat.
Jan VanDenBerg