Letters to the Editor
Marlowe's Cat
Published Letters: 6
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Friendships are Like Seasons
[Read the article: I'm acting like a monster so my friends are deserting me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you've always been the same way, your friends are used to you. Sometimes friendships end for reasons you don't even know--people drift away. Consider that your friends may not be responding because a. something in their life is too much to handle; b. they may think badly of you (mistakenly); c. you grew apart. You mentioned you still have a couple friends--ask them if you have changed for the worse recently. Apologize to the friends who are not responding (an apology, even if you don't know what it's for, does not hurt you, it shows you are trying to be a good person, and it doesn't cost anything) in case you inadvertently hurt them, and ask if there is something wrong. If you don't get a response, let it go. You have a strong personality, you will make more friends. Just take to heart what you have learned from your old friends. Alternatively, you can ask your ex-girlfriend to check with the nonresponsive friends, if she is willing to do so.
Also, therapy with a really good person helps in keeping demons under control. On a side note, Cary asked if your family messed you up, but you said family helps, so you're lucky. I would love to trade mother/father stories with Cary and other parent-trap sufferers online here if we could have a forum. Cary had egg cartons stacked in his homes, I had cats stacked in my homes and wacky schemes to win a lottery and live overseas. Can't blame the family for my own choices, but damn, it didn't help. Peace, brother.
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Please Realize Events Affect People Differently
[Read the article: My half-brother locked me in the closet and I think I'm to blame]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary had an excellent response, I applaud him. Get yourself to a therapist, a good one that you feel comfortable with. It may be a process to find one and go through the evaluation each time, so prepare for a bit of a wait. But it's worth it because the therapist provides the other voice in your head you need now. LW, you said you wanted to see what the commenters here would say, if they would judge you unworthy as well. I recognize that line of thinking and situation you were in. I've been there. My mom was a good person too, and vigilant against outside abuse not realizing it could happen under her radar, and I was too young and powerless and even Stockholm Syndromed into provoking/assisting the abuse. Remember something important. The people who do not understand how you are traumatized do not understand because they weren't or feel they would not be. Everyone is not the same, we aren't widgets. So sure, one person can be beat up by a sibling and be okay about it (which doesn't make the violence right or normal--I can never see where true cruelty is normal). Another will be traumatized because he or she is more senstive, boy or girl. It doesn't mean you are defective, just more susceptible to feeling abuse more intensely. It's how you are. Your good therapist will remind you of that. You don't worry about how someone else would be affected, but how you are. What your half-sibling did was wrong in any event. Your supposed complicity in his treatment may just have been your way of trying to gain control over the situation--you know you'll be abused, but you'll be in some control of how and when. I went through abuse by a much older sibling, physical and sexual, that would be considered pretty bad, but in today's "find me a better victim" culture is no big deal compared to say, A Boy Named It, and have had friends/family treat me as such--it could have been worse, get over it. I think this is why some people write fake memoirs, to get some sort of validation. But you do not have to meet someone else's standard of abuse to justify feeling the way you do--there is no such thing as demarcation between abuse and "get over it" childhood teasing/roughhousing where with one you feel bad the other you don't. What makes you feel bad simply does, and if it doesn't it doesn't. If you feel traumatized, there is a reason. Go with that. And people may disagree and say there is a normal amount of childhood torture to go through. No way. Cruelty is never accepatble. We should treat each other better.
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The Brother's Behavior is that of a Bully
[Read the article: My half-brother locked me in the closet and I think I'm to blame]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]And society still covers for bullies. Hence advice columns receiving far more letters from people who are victims of bullies then of bullies bothered by their own behavior. If there is a letter or comment from a bully, it's usually justifying the behavior--get over it, weak sister. But just because such people say being bullied is not a big deal does not make it the truth universal and triumphant.
People are traumatized by more than family members--there's also the work bullies. The first website is from the UK, where bullying is taken as a very serious problem to society. Both websites has some great information, applicable to family or outside bullies. It helps just to see the behavior described. People who are bullied as children are susceptible to being bullied by others--you already have the acceptance ingrained.
http://www.bullyeq.com/bol/workbully/serial.htm
http://www.worktrauma.org/change/bullying.htm
Mark Ames' book "Going Postal" is a very good dissection of American bullying as well.