Letters to the Editor
Cuff Links
Published Letters: 15 Editor's Choice: 1
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Lessons learned
[Read the article: I'm working for a cokehead at a free arts magazine]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This has nothing to do with cocaine. When someone promises you a raise IN THE FUTURE, that raise isn't coming. I mean, okay, if you just started a job and they are promising to revue your performance in six months and then give you a raise, that's kosher. But if you are clearly a valued employee and they don't want you to leave, they'll find the money to keep you and give it to you now. What this woman did to you was brilliant. She got you to stay on the job by promising you a raise in the future. She didn't have to pony up anything. She got to keep you for another six months for no money down. I admire this woman. She knows how to run a free arts magazine. And look! She's doing it again. She takes you out to lunch and says the raise isn't coming...but it will come over the next six months. See what she just did? Again? Have you learned your lesson yet?
The problem with the "cocaine" aside is that it's not the point. It's so much easier to judge this woman (and feel superior to her) than it is to decide what you're worth and go for it. This woman might be on drugs, but she totally played you. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
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I sort of am that woman...
[Read the article: How can I ditch my bitchy friend now that she has cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I am a difficult person to get along with and became even more difficult to get along with when I got seriously ill and was in pain and discomfort all the time. A lot of people I loved rallied behind me and due to some strange miracle, I got better even though I wasn't supposed to. So I am grateful for what I have and what I got when I was sick. But here's the thing: a lot of people totally blew me off when I was sick. A part of myself can step back and forgive these people. I am difficult to get along with first off. And illness makes a lot of people uncomfortable and I've heard that even the saintliest of people lose friends when they get sick. It's a fact of life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you do disappear from this woman's life, you won't be the only one. And there will be plenty of people who step forward to take up the slack. From this woman's perspective, she won't focus a load of hatred on you. She might feel bitter and resentful that a lot of people skipped out on her when she needed them the most, but if she talks to other terminally ill people, they will report experiencing the same thing and eventually she'll get it.
I imagine that the best thing to do in this situation is to be there for her occasionally. You still get along with her and she's in your thoughts. Cool. But you don't need to visit her everyday or listen to a litany of her aches and pains. She probably has a lot of people in her life who are really helping her out, changing her diapers, giving her unmitigated sympathy, visiting her in the hospital etc. And occasionally she'd just like to touch base with someone from her recent past who isn't "always there." She might like to see someone who isn't on her "sick team" to hang out for a few minutes and make small talk. Be that person and don't feel guilty that you're not more. You'll help her more than you know.
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Gay Male Perspective
[Read the article: I'm cheating on my husband and loving it. Is that a problem?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't know. I don't know the LW or her husband so I can't say for sure what's going on. But I'm a gay male and (like many gay males in relationships) I have been unfaithful to various boyfriends over the years and...well...it wasn't that bad. There was a man I cared about deeply. He was attractive and caring etc. I loved being with him but sometimes I'd get bored and I'd go out crusing the bars. And when you have a boyfriend already, it's amazing how much more you get laid then when you're single. You feel more confident. There's always someone to go home to so everything else is gravy as opposed to when you're single and somewhat desperate for companionship however temporary. And it's a little dangerous and you have a tasty secret to keep. One night I went out crusing the bars and -- surprise! -- there was my boyfriend doing the same thing. We kissed hello and separated for the evening to go find our own respective thrills. We never discussed it either. And to this day, I feel fine about it and I imagine he does too since, having split up for different reasons, we're still good friends. I always played safe. So did he, I presume. And we both had only safe sex with each other.
There are also countries -- France, for instance -- where it's simply socially acceptable for men to have mistresses. And everyone just deals with it.
Is it possible that the LW feels no guilt because she has gotten a tacit message from her current husband that he understands her need to go outside the relationship? I mean he knew you were a cheater when he met you. Maybe he's not as clueless as you think. And maybe it's a "don't ask don't tell" kind of thing.
I guess the primary question for the LW is, how would you feel about your husband cheating on you? Would you feel scorned and hurt, or would you simply feel like Jeanne Moreau in Roger Vadim's "Les Liasons Dangereuses" flitting about freely while your husband, the hunky Gerard Phillipe does the same? Some people simply don't value monogamy as much as the mainstream does. (And I'm also wondering how many of these posters who express scorn at the LW's behavior have had a little action on the side themselves....)