Letters to the Editor
Magali
Published Letters: 10 Editor's Choice: 3
-
The stepfather is a "complete and total asshole?" Seriously?
[Read the article: My girlfriend's stepfather is a real a-hole ... and a dying man]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, what exactly is so bad about this guy? Oh, he ignores you. Okay, what else? Because I would think that someone who is awful enough to be called a "complete and total asshole" would have to actually DO something. As far as I can tell from your letter, he hasn't done anything to be called an asshole - you've made no mention of him speaking harshly to anyone, beating anyone, stealing, cheating, whatever. He's just ignored some new dude who has started dating his stepdaughter and who showed up on the scene when the stepfather is dealing with serious health issues that probably leave him feeling crappy on a daily basis. Oooh...what a monster!
And as for you, LW, you claim to be a "good boyfriend" and say you make your girlfriend happy. Based on what? A few bunches of flowers? The fact that you happened to come along and, according to you, that kept her from moving to Florida? Newsflash: your girlfriend is her own person and whether she moves to Florida or not has more to do with her than with you. I'm not impressed with your boyfriend cred.
You want to be a good boyfriend? How about putting aside your own ego long enough to realize that you are not the important one in this scenario? How about trying to find ways to support your girlfriend and her family? Refusing to pick your girlfriend up at her house because you're pouting over her stepfather's failure to welcome you with open arms is not supportive. Resenting her for not confronting her dying stepfather because you're pouting over not being fawned over every time you come over to the house is not supportive.
All that said, I agree with the poster who says the LW's girlfriend should run far, run fast. If the LW can't have enough compassion for the family to put aside his need to be the center of attention when his girlfriend's family is in crisis, what's he going to be like when more mundane aspects of life, like jobs, chores and kids, compete for her attention? Perhaps once he grows up and learns that he is not, in fact, the center of the universe he can be a good partner for someone, but he isn't there yet.
-
What do they know anyway?
[Read the article: I was betrayed by people I trusted]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"But what I really want to know is why, one year later, I'm still thinking about it. Nobody has been able to explain why this one thing haunts me so badly. The best explanation I can think of is that what those friends and acquaintances posted was really closer to the truth that I knew and didn't want to see. But I've accepted the truth and I've made changes where I could. Is this not enough? What more can I do?"
Why is this haunting you so badly? Only you can say for sure, but I have some ideas.
1. These people were supposed to be your friends (or friend-like) and they betrayed your trust. This not only hurts, it also makes you question your judgment in trusting other people in your life, so it throws a lot of other relationships and potential relationships into question. No wonder you feel isolated.
2. They did this behind your back, which suggest to me that they were being nice to your face. More betrayal.
3. They said these things in a "public" forum, which I'm guessing adds the fun of public humiliation to the mix. That's a hard thing to get over.
4. It sounds like you believe what they said. I would really encourage you not to take what these people said about you as gospel truth. Maybe they did hit on some things that had a smidge of truth to them if you felt the need to make changes, but that doesn't mean they are the final judge on you.
I think you should cut yourself some slack for feeling bad about this a year later -- that doesn't seem unreasonable to me -- but at the same time, try to focus on moving forward with your life. And although I understand why you'd be inclined to isolate yourself, I hope you'll try to be open to meeting new people - it could be helpful for getting over this.
-
Why did the LW's friend mention the Mystery Man at all?
[Read the article: My close friend has clammed up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with the posters who point out the LW's friend has no obligation to share things about her life with the LW if she doesn't want to. That said, it strikes me as kind of obnoxious for the friend to mention she's seeing someone new but refuse to elaborate. In my world at least, when a friend announces that she is seeing someone new she usually follows up by sharing at least a little more about it -- where they met, what the person does maybe, where they went on the first date -- so it doesn't strike me as unusual that the LW would have expected her friend to elaborate after saying she was seeing someone. Of course LW's friend is entitled to keep the relationship to herself, but in that case she shouldn't have said anything at all. Otherwise it's a bit of a tease.
I don't think any of that means the that LW is entitled to know about her friend's relationship, but it wouldn't be out of line for her to ask her friend not to mention something like that if she doesn't actually want to talk about it.
(Oh, and I'm an INFJ.)