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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Published Letters: 14 Editor's Choice: 1
I'm puzzled by Cary Tennis' advice to the battered letter writer who asked whether he should marry his fiancee. To an extent, I can understand Cary's desire to understand both sides of the issue from both her correspondent's point of view and his fiancee's. But in doing this, I think she's lost sight of what's important.
The woman has clearly suffered a great deal in her life. Her fiance should appreciate that & be sensitive to it. But once she attacks him she loses all right to sympathy. Further, when she tells him it was his fault, she betrays the classic symptom of a batterer. A phyical attack is a RED FLAG. If you don't heed it you will only regret it sooner rather than later.
I think I know a thing or two about this as I was emotionally & physically battered by both my parents. In fact, I've written about my experiences in the blog post linked to this letter.
The only advice of Cary's I'd agree with is that the man should seek counseling if he (mistakenly, I think) wishes to stay in this relationship. In fact, he should make it a condition of staying with her that both of them AND she separately be in counseling. If she isn't amenable to this (& I find it highly doubtful she would be) then he should tell her he's leaving--and DO IT.
A close friend came to me 2 weeks before his marriage and told me he had profound doubts about his fiancee and the relationship. He asked me what to do. I told him to cancel the wedding. Even after he told me how embarrassed & devestated she would be by this news, I offered the same advice. And I say the same to Cary's correspondent. It is very likely you will be very unhappy in this relationship if you persist. If you decide to stay, it will be your own lookout (as the Irish say).
Here's what I think is a good reason you should discreetly let a single person (your academic advisor?) know of your condition/diagnosis. If you don't & your behavior is as odd or off-putting as you seem to think, then you could be jeopardizing your position in yr program. At some point, they might ask you to leave.
But if you do let someone know, then your diagnosis gives you some protection should they choose to encourage you to leave the program. I don't mean to exacerbate any worries or anxieties you might have & I'm sorry if this advice does that. But I think my advice is worth considering even if you choose to ignore it.
BTW, you should also make clear to whoever you tell that you're sharing it in confidence.
And if you ever in the future feel your standing in your program is in danger & you have told your dept. about your condition, then you should consult an attorney specializing in disability rights. You'd prob. have a good case against them that would prob. force them to allow you to complete your program.
Notice I said "probably" since I'm not a lawyer & don't mean for you to consider this legal advice.
I completely disagree with Cary's advice regarding the theft of $1,000. The host knew his own staff had stolen the money. He either knew it directly (fr. questioning them) or must've had strong suspicions that one of them was the thief. If it were my household, I would've done precisely what the host did here. It would've been the honorable thing to do: It's my fault the fellow lost his money. I hired the person who stole it. These were guests in my home. I owed them hospitality and yet they received the worst treatment a guest can receive.
The boyfriend, a poor man, took the host's money as he had every right to do. Were he as wealthy as the woman's father or the host, then I agree that he should have refused the money.
As for whether the boyfriend should repay it: absolutely not. My first inclination would be to tell my parents (if I were the daughter) that they are being selfish & mean-spirited in demanding that he repay it. And that is if they continue to do so, she will only promise that he will do so when he becomes as financially comfortable as her own father who can afford to toss around $1,000 so easily.
Cary, you're coming down too easily on the side of the comfortable and well-heeled. Whatever happened to the plight of the hard-working stiff whose only mistake was accepting the hospitality of a fabulously rich South African whose staff stiffed him?
I buy my wild Alaskan salmon here in Seattle & have to spend anywhere from $9-19 to do so depending on time of yr. and species. I wouldn't buy fish from Wal-Mart no matter how low the price. Not every American can get such superb salmon for themselves. But this fish can be found in many places. Yes, it's expensive. But I'd suggest if you're buying Wal-Mart fish that you eat fish less, but go to a real fishmonger known for the quality & freshness of his/her fish. Pay more, eat it less. Enjoy it more.
Farm raised fish tastes nothing like wild fish. It's worth spending more to find out the difference.
I haven't bought a Susana Baca cd since her first & this reminds me what I've been missing. Her voice is lovely & oh so sexy. Gil adds a Jobim-like vocal hipness to the performance.
More world music please!
But until I read Scherer's terrific column I couldn't quite put my finger on what Colbert was "doing" in his performance. Thanks to Scherer for his brilliant explication of Colbert's tour de force of political satire & irony. This is what the term "rapier wit" was meant for.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
