Hi LW,

I'm a therapist and I have seen many couples and men and women who have gone through this. First I can't tell you how much I feel for you to have this happening. Second, in my opinion, the prognosis from my experience is not good. When one spouse is this adamant that they are actually saying, "I want a divorce" and "I have never loved you," it's pretty hard to change that.

I do have a question for you though? Whose idea was it to have 5 children? Five children would scare the crap out of anyone, especially a man. Why? Because a man is not as tied down to them the way a woman is in the sense that women often feel they have little choice to be. He has an out. Women suck it up for the children because they feel they have to or they have decided a long time ago that this is what they want.

I would say from what you have written that this crisis for your husband is in part due to having so many children and the realization of the daunting responsibility and life that entails (or doesn't) has dawned on him full force like a bucket full of ice water in his face.

Regardless, your husband is psychologically still a child and has decided to refuse to grow up and take on this responsibility that he helped create. I also suspect that he is somewhat passive aggressive (no guts) and doesn't have much control or doesn't take much control in other aspects in his life, like his job. This is probably true about his past. In essence, he didn't speak up before and say 'no, I don't want another child' and just went along with the reality as it was presented to him all the while having tons of resentment pile up inside him.

Has he found someone else? Could be. For this type of man, a new relationship is representative of the freedom he doesn't have and could have and is hugely compelling. It can be the catalyst for him to begin to express the resentment he's felt in the decision of wanting a divorce.

What to do? First, talk to a lawyer. Regardless of what others have said here, you desperately need to get a hold of knowing what your options are for your sake and for your children. Speaking to a lawyer does not mean a divorce is imminent just because you find these things out. A good lawyer will not twist your arm in this area but will inform you wisely. Your husband is responsible for these children and for you as their mother, especially with a 2 week infant. If he decides to move out right now, he has a responsibility for providing financial upkeep for them the minute he moves out even before a divorce. A lawyer can make sure that happens.

Second, someone here suggested a asking him for a year's time. Not a bad idea at all. If he agrees, it may allow him an option of feeling some control in the situation enough for him to calm down and get a grip on what he is really feeling.

Third, ask him to go to couple's therapy. If he's willing, I mean really willing, there may be hope. Perhaps if he can begin to express his resentment, wants and desires honestly out in the open he won't feel so trapped. If he's not willing, it's a signal that he is serious about the divorce.

If he continues to say this is final, you need to face up to the fact that it's over. Perhaps he's right, he doesn't love you because being dumped like this, being treated like this, certainly isn't love. Think on this: this man is immature and doesn't even know what true love is or means. Do you want that in your life?

Additionaly, this man is obviously not showing or communicating who he really is to you. While therapy could help if he agrees to it and the relationship actually means something to him, it may not. And you'll have a life with someone who can't be real with you and you can NEVER really trust.

Do you really want that shallowness that he has shown, the complete lack of consideration and empathy (especially for one's wife who has just given birth!), from a partner in your life? This is a wake up call for you. Grieve, see what you can talk to him about being willing to do, but do not hesitate for one day in getting that lawyer and think seriously about is person for real and do you really want someone like him in your life?