Dear LW,

Hi, LW, I'm a therapist and I also think that Carey's advice is very good. Especially, the part about letting yourself feel sorry for yourself. As another writer mentioned, letting herself do that really helped her to start healing.

Our society sends out such ultra critical messages about "feeling sorry for yourself" that people suffer with these feelings, bottling them up and criticizing themselves. They end up damaging themselves more. Well, letting yourself feel compassion for yourself (i.e., becoming your own parent) and letting yourself feel the feelings of sadness, of anger, even of self-loathing (sounds paradoxical, I know), is the must do step of getting through this and healing from it. I simply cannot recommend this step enough. It is life changing.

If you find that this is truly overwhelming to do or you feel yourself "shutdown" when you do it, or feel spaced out in someway, please seek out a therapist who can help you. These are danger signals of deeper traumatic responses.

In truth, what you are suffering from is the long-time after effects of trauma from emotional abuse. Self-loathing is the ultimate symptom.

As far as how to deal with your parents, you need to take control of the situation. Your parents are both narcissistic and are "feeding" off being able to still control you and diminish you as a child (it's probably an unconscious high for them - usually is for narcissistic people). You can actually put an end to this and do not need to cut them out of your life to do this.

1. You need to identify what they say that is abusive to you. Exactly. When does it start in the conversation? How does it make you feel? Be very descriptive.

2. Once you have done that, you have a choice based on what you have done in the past that has not worked. What I mean by this is what is your reaction to them when they start the abuse? Do you argue with them? Do get very upset and yell at them? Just let them insult you? Whatever your reaction, it is reinforcing their abusive behavior. Do not feel guilty about this. This is an unconscious pattern that has been set up over the years. Just become very aware your reactions.

3. Once you have done this, you need to do the opposite. So, let's say you have never stood up to them. This time you say, "You know father, you and mother have been nasty to me (or whatever your description of it is) to me for a long time and I have put up with it. This is to let me know I will no longer put up your disrespect of me. If you continue with this, I am hanging up. When you can talk to me like an adult and with respect, then we will continue talking. If you cannot do this, then I will no longer have these conversations with you.

I can guarantee you at this point that he will be shocked but then will probably start even more abusive. Why? Because he will want to guilt-trip you back into being that submissive little girl. BUT then you hang up. YOU stick to your guns and leave the situation, phone or their presence. Eventually, they will get the picture. Be very calm when you do this.

Now, here's another technique by way of behavioral techniques, which is to "extinguish" their behavior:

For this, I'm going to offer up a story. I, like you had an abusive parent, my mother (although, I don't think as abusive as your parents). Either on the phone or in person, she would say the most hurtful things. One time she told me, because I lived "in sin" with my boyfriend, that if I got AIDS she would disown me. I realized after awhile that she did this to get a rise out of me. My getting angry at her, hanging up, etc, kept the pattern going. The point is, she KNEW that she GOT to me by my reaction.

I learned this while in school for counseling. I visited her for the holidays and waited (you could time the insult coming!). I was watching TV when she came into the room screaming. All I said was a pleasant "Yeah, Ma", and ignored her. She tried insulting me a couple more times, each time I just said "Yeah." and moved to some other topic and then... that was it. You know the most interesting thing? She stopped it completely. She never insulted me again. It turned our relationship totally around. I often tell my clients this story and, by the way, many of them have used the same technique with great results. So, look to your own reactions. Again, don't blame yourself. Just get proactive and take control.

Hopefully, all of this helps. And if my suggestions don't work I agree totally with what some other folks have said. Keep the conversations extremely short or if that doesn't work sticking to just greeting cards. Keep their poison out of your life.

One last thing, I thought the suggestion that one writer gave as to writing down all of the things you like about yourself. That's a very powerful healing exercise. Do it. I would also add to that of becoming more aware of all the things that bring you joy and meaning in your life, whether it's your husband, your friends, pets, sunsets, music, a smile on small child, whatever feeds you emotionally. Make a list of these. These are the stuff that happiness is made of in life. The more that you can pay attention to them (and let them be what makes you happy, not what society or someone else tells you that you "should be" made happy by) the more they will inspire and fill your life and prove an antidote to the unhappiness that your parents have left you as a legacy.

Best wishes.