Letters to the Editor
damnthatxanadu
Published Letters: 484 Editor's Choice: 14
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Some Added Thoughts...
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Hey LW,
I had some more thoughts about your situation, especially after reading some of the insane comments here and finding them alarming enough to feel that I should write again. Seriously, don't buy into the knee-jerk "paranoia" being spouted off here.
I went back and reread your letter and Cary's letter and it dawned on me that you're back stateside at this point, which doesn't change my opinion of what's going on for you but some of my comments might have seemed evolved around your being at sea (late night email commentaries and all). Regardless, for the most part my opinion is the same.
I would add that it would be helpful, as a previous poster suggested, to get yourself and your wife to couple therapy. This could be key in solving this problem. It would give you a chance to tell your wife what's going on here with this for you and for your wife to explore her insecurities out in the open in a safe place. This is actually a very good time in your marriage to do so, not only to resolve this problem but explore what a good marriage/relationship entails and build a foundation for a healthy marriage. A good therapist will also teach you have to fight constructively so that it enhances intimacy instead of destroying it. They will also explain that physical violence is never acceptable.
And, regardless of what some people have posted here, Cary's advice is very, very good. I don't think most people who have written here have any clue as to what trust in a relationship actually entails and how its developed. And Cary pretty much spelled it out, so, LW, read what he wrote carefully.
And for all those people talking about physical abuse and domestic violence, yeah, if this continues it would be a serious problem. But let me tell you that I haven't seen a couple with problems going on that there isn't some form of physical constraint, slapping, throwing things at the other person, etc. during a fight. Never. Or that this didn't happen at some point during the relationship.
It's far more common than what's reported in our culture because it's not acceptable and so couples don't admit to it. Usually, in the life of a relationship, there is one big blowout that one or the other person or both do something physically violent or comes close to it. Usually that's it because it scares the crap out of both of them that it could escalate.
Does this mean it's acceptable? Absolutely not. But neither does it mean that's an end to an otherwise good relationship. Couples usually police themselves at this point because it is so frightening. If that doesn't happen or if one partner begins to physically abuse the other person more than once, then it's time for some serious consideration of getting help or getting out of the relationship.
In addition, I've never seen anyone in a insecure relationship who didn't develop a craziness because of it. Relationships bring out people's worst insecurities. Absolute worst. But once the relationship and the partners develop and mature, they can bring out the best. And LW, I don't hear that your wife is any "crazier" than most normal people with insecurities at all in the beginning stages of a relationship, even with the PTSD.
I would add in explanation to what I said before, when she makes these accusations, do your best to be patient and compassionate. Be careful of overreacting defensively back to her as this both escalates the conflict between you and reinforces her fears and insecurities. Talk to her about her concerns seriously but then try talking about what she needs to feel more safe and secure in the relationship. On the other hand, if she hits you again, give her an ultimatum that this stops now or you're leaving. And the next time, leave.
So basically what I'm saying LW, is don't let what has happened scare you out of the relationship just yet. Get help for her and for you both first. Again, hang in there.
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On the Contrary...
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I've seen some very normal nonviolent-looking couples in therapy that their problems had nothing to do with PTSD. And they'll tell you at the beginning of therapy, "oh no, no violence, ever", etc. And then strangely enough, later on, one of them will call me or it'll come out that at one point one of them sat and held the other down or slapped the other one or one "grabbed" the other one very hard (I'm not talking major repeated violence here, although that often comes out later, too). Often this has nothing to do with their presenting complaint and it was long ago and it never happened again. This always surprises me. As you would never guess from looking at them that this could be possible. And so far, at least in my experience, I haven't seen one that doesn't have that come up at some point.
And my statement, if it's unclear, is that this isn't as uncommon as people would suppose. And it doesn't mean that it's a bad relationship. Some of these people have very good and close relationships. Sometimes they come to therapy for a whole host of other problems other than conflict (death in the family, etc). And it doesn't mean it's the norm for ALL couples by any means. Good God, hardly. But I think people jump to conclusions and see this as a black and white issue in good or bad terms of a the value of the relationship, which, regardless of what you want to believe about it, it isn't.
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On The Contrary, Part Two
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I often tell people to dump they're abusive partner. Most therapists will if they think it merits that advice. Even in couple therapy, I tell the couple that therapy is not at all necessarily about making them stick together but finding out what's in the best interest of both of them.