Hey LW,

I'm a therapist and I specialize with PTSD/PTSS and trauma and, yeah, I would say that what you're experiencing here with your wife fits the mold of behaviors that come out of it.

If you haven't talked her into therapy at this point, do it. If this is the root, this may not necessarily change and it could get worse if you don't.

But another thought I have with this is that what she is doing on an unconscious level is testing you to make sure this relationship is "real". This is hard to explain but it's not uncommon in the early stage of relationships. People do variations of this all the time in relationships. Especially if they have trust issues which it sounds like your wife does.

What people do is push the relationship to an edge to the extent that everyone else they have been in relationship with usually leaves. Usually it's picking fights out of thin air over nothing. What's really happening is that they're fighting with their own insecurities and fear of abandonment and trying to master them. A LOT of people deal with huge paranoia and insecurities at the beginning of a serious relationship. What she wants to know unconsciously from her child self (we're all big children in relationships) is whether you'll still be there regardless of what she does (can she show her worst to you and you'll still be there?).

My advice is this: Get her into therapy for the PTSD. And then be firm but gentle and patient with her with her bouts of paranoia. Especially patient. This does not mean let her pound on you. She needs to know there are limits and that you have boundaries. Make this an ultimatum if you have to. Tell her you love her and will do what it takes to be with her but you will not tolerate being hit. Rage is classic in PTSD and it can come out swinging blind. But that doesn't mean you need to tolerate her hitting you. Talk to her about giving her a pillow to hit or the bed instead to take care of that rage.

What I hear is that she is going through your stuff in order to nearer to you when you're over seas. People might think this is nosey but really it's a way of maintaining connection for her. Then it seems she finds these things that bring up her paranoia and insecurity over losing you. And then, without you there to disconfirm her suspicions, her anxiety builds until she can no longer contain it. Try and be understanding of this and let it pass.

I've seen this before, LW, and very similar to what you described. With most people this "stage" of mastering their insecurities passes after a while when they realize the other person really does love them and isn't leaving. This also may be very much related to your being in the navy and her fear of you dying - it's just coming out this way.

I also agree with most of what Cary suggested if you have stuff to fess up to. Sometimes you see this stage with couples where one was unfaithful or didn't want to commit in the early stages of the relationship. Honesty is the road to trust. Mostly, I would go with the actions that state loud and clear that you are reliable (doing what you say, showing up on time, etc.) and being trustworthy, but also tell her her paranoia is okay. I know people are going to say that's crazy. But I'm willing to bet that she freaks out with huge guilt after one of these episodes and fear that you're really are going to leave now because of what she said. Weirdly enough if you can make it safe for her do that and know that you're still there and not going away, she'll get over this a lot quicker.

Regardless, the PTSD could be feeding a lot of this. The parasympathetic system goes into overdrive and that's terrible uncontrollable anxiety to deal with on a constant basis so be sure and she goes to therapy for it.

Hang in there, Sailor. She loves you, that's plain. Be patient and gentle with her and you can help her through this for both of you and for your future together.