Letters to the Editor
damnthatxanadu
Published Letters: 481 Editor's Choice: 14
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Just Be Honest
[Read the article: Should I tell my kids about all the drugs I used to do?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Somewhere right before my mother died at the age of 77 she started to open up and tell me the truth about her life. Not that she did any major drugs or anything truly illegal, but that she had partied a lot, had sex before marriage and smoked cigarettes. And because of that, she also started to tell me who she really was and that allowed a very short period of time of real intimacy between us. It was so awesome and something inside me changed about myself when that happened.
Up until that time she had lied to me about all of these things because of the stupid morality gag and fear that parents from her generation were fed by our repressed culture about admitting these things to anyone let alone their children. She was so afraid that if she admitted to any of things that it would have condoned what was already my lifestyle and somehow make her look bad.
After she died, I was so angry that we lost all of those years to that crap. As a child and as an adolescent, she had held all of that back and inside herself because of this illusion that doing so would make her good parent. Or in being real about who she was and had been would somehow make her a bad parent.
I was a hellion in high school probably just as much as the LW in doing drugs. Some of it was fabulous (it opened my mind to many new things) and some of it was just stupid. When I look back on it, a huge amount of that was in response to lack of the real relationship between myself and my mother. Because I knew there was this big gaping hole in our relationship because she could not let herself be real with me. And I'm not angry at her (although I was for many years about that), I'm angry that this crap about not being honest about the parent's drug use, alcohol, sex, etc. is somehow parlayed in our culture as being good for the children and is handed down generation to generation and that people believe it.
I can tell you from my heart that looking back on it with this knowledge, if my mother had been able to sit down and tell me about herself, all the things that she had done, etc. and told me and that in some ways we were alike, I can tell you for fact my life with drugs would have been much different. If she'd also let me know about her fears with me doing what I was doing in an adult and real fashion, I may not have quit all the drugs that I was doing but I certainly would have had a maturer outlook, more self-esteem, and far less need to prove my identity to others by doing drugs and alcohol.
It always amazes me that people do not understand the power of honesty in creating strong relationships with children...and with people in general. Honesty is the bedrock of any relationship. It creates intimacy and connection like nothing else can. The difference between people, including adolescents, just "trying" drugs and alcohol and "abusing/being addicted to" drugs and alcohol is in the degree of the connection with people they love and the people the KNOW who love and understand them. I have worked with people with addictions and people give over to addictions primarily because their replacing the relationship their not getting in their lives or don't know where or how to get. Addiction is a form of self-medication for the lack of true connection and intimacy with others (most of all, their parents) in people's lives.
LW, I totally commend you and your wife for how you are with your children. Bravo! Please continue to be honest even in this area. At this point in your children's lives you probably don't need to go into major detail, but don't let that stop you from answering their questions in a true and honest fashion as you have done with anything else. And you can also tell them your fears about telling them, about the quandary you are in about doing that and that this is a complex issue. Being truly honest with someone is a form of deep respect (you're "honoring" them with your trust) and I have often found that when you treat children with obvious respect, that you can tell them honestly about often the most deep subjects...and amazingly they'll step up to the plate and get it. And they will pay you back in loyalty and developing their own wisdom a thousand fold.
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Gee, Garry Owen
[Read the article: Opus]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Is this a first? Opus finally growing on you, ya think?
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Typewriter/computer idiocy takes over
[Read the article: Dan Rather stands by his story]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Good God, are you forgery wingnuts...well, nuts? I downloaded the documents and saying they were made on a computer, in MS Word no less, is the absolute most stupid thing I've heard. Sorry, guys I worked as graphic artist on computers for years and years and years and I can tell you forging that document in MS Word would have not only been almost impossible but downright crazy. Try it!! I dare you. Try moving those letters around to those inth degrees to make them look like they were actually typed on a typewriter...in MS Word! Even in a typesetting/graphic program that would have been a nightmare. Yeah, right! Better one should find an old Selectric and retype the thing on old paper and call that a forgery (so much easier and so much more believable!). You all have absolutely NO CLUE as what you are talking about. Zip.