Letters to the Editor

• Maybe it's not the men...

  [Read the article: Are men spoiled rotten?]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  I'm 50 and a single woman and I gotta admit the picking's is pretty slim when it comes to finding decent men my age to date or have a relationship with, so I can relate with you, LW. And most of them, and I do mean most, are interested in younger women (even if you still look 40!) regardless if they want to have children or not. So, it's a strange and frustrating experience, I know. It amazes me all the really good women my age that men don't pay attention to. I also sense the deep pain that you're in at this point. And that's sad. I know how badly that can suck.

  But I will say this, I didn't read that you actually asked any of these men you've had relationships with before you got involved with them if they still wanted to have children or not? With all due respect, the lesson I've learned is that you need to "qualify" the men as to what they want and are interested in BEFORE you get involved. If you're not asking this question, you have only yourself to blame. You need to ask this question, the question if they want to get married again or whatever you want out of relationship at the start. No disrespect to men in general, but I have found that some of them (and I said "some" of them), if you don't ask them straight out are just going to go along for the ride until what they're really looking for comes along. This goes for what men need to be asking women, too.

  Any man or woman for that matter, who is serious, honest and has integrity, is going to tell you straight up what they're looking for or not and not be put off by the asking of it. If they are, that's telling you something right there about their character. If someone is going to be scared off by honesty, then I don't want them. And I have found that men who are mature persons with character and integrity are not.

  Both men and women amaze me with the fantasies they create (make up!) and therefore the assumptions about the new person they just start dating. They just assume that if they like/love this person that somehow all the "red flags" they put blinders on with and didn't see are suddenly just going to go away. Or they get caught up in the "high maintenance" girl or guy thing, thinking that means that person has more value than the down-to-earth girl or guy who isn't so "exciting". If you don't want to get hurt, if you really do want a real and serious relationship, then it's time to get real about looking at the behavior of the person you are dating, how they treat you, how they respect or don't respect you. It's time to get real about what your looking for and then ASK for it. Furthermore, take the blinders off and ask yourself honestly if this person is even capable of delivering this!! If there are red flags all over the place or the person is hemming & hawing, there's a problem. If your not doing that, I don't think you're actually serious about wanting a REAL relationship. You're looking for a fantasy. Furthermore, I know both men and women who do exactly this to avoid having a real "intimate" relationship. They're scared shitless of being responsible for a real bone-fide intimate relationship with another person. It fails because the person they chose never was the right person for what they PRETENDED to themselves they wanted.

  And BTW, I have friends who are divorced men in their 40s who have had their children, absolutely don't want anymore and are looking for single women who either have their own children or not (unfortunately for me their looking for women their age or again younger). But they're good, honest men. In addition, I totally disagree with your men are "spoiled" theory. Clueless sometimes, yes. But I've met some pretty clueless women also. But I've heard the pain of many men who have suffered deeply in relationships also and have gone out of their way to do the right thing for the relationship and their children. More so today than in the "patriarchal" past of our culture, I think. So, while I hear your experience has been that men in their 40s/50s go after younger women to have children, I can say for a fact that isn't true for all of them. And I have met a number of men my age that aren't looking specifically for younger women (few and far between admittedly). So, the question I would have for you, LW, and I say this kindly, is how are you setting yourself up for these relationships? Maybe it's not the men. Okay, maybe it is the men. But maybe more so, maybe it's the type of men you keep choosing.

  Permalink Tuesday, July 31, 2007 10:31 PM