Letters to the Editor
kenkapkk
Published Letters: 131 Editor's Choice: 13
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Look at your beginning
[Read the article: I don't understand men!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Apparently "Belle" is the LW who is angry at Cary. So I want to address this to her. Your entire first paragraph was full of generalizations. Your heading was not "What went wrong?",
but "I DON"T UNDERSTAND MEN". Then you wrote:
"OK, so everyone says that men are straightforward, uncomplicated beings and that women needlessly complicate things. That we are demanding, overly emotional beings who send mixed messages and "want it all." Of course, these are all generalizations that reflect a sexist society, but I have to admit that until now even I, a feminist, partly believed that men are more straightforward and simple (and not in a pejorative sense) than women. At least, that has been my experience. We women tend to talk everything through with our friends until we're blue in the face, going over every single detail of conversations and encounters with significant others. Most of my male friends get straight to the point."
Well, I'm a guy and on one level, I find your whole approach somewhat offensive. Right away your "friend" is depersonalized. He's a "man". He's "expected" to act a certain way, behave a certain way, communicate a certain way.
Sorry. People are complex and individual and what I saw Cary do is try to give you insight into how this individual's behavior could have been conflicting, ambiguous, disappointing, and contradictory.
If you felt Cary was "too hard" on you, perhaps he made what sounded like judgment too much on you. You are an individual also. But I am seeing you throw the baby out with the bath. There was an invitation here to enter into exploration over what appears to be a very complex dynamic. My experience is it takes two to tango and both of you fed into a certain fantasy that bumped up against reality.
People, not just "men", can have a hard time communicating, misjudge, feel overwhelmed. I've had women do similar things. I've gone out after a lot of flirting only to find out they have a boyfriend.
You said you saw a "red flag". So your intuition was on target. Why did YOU not listen and plunge forward. Did You communicate
when things did not go your way? Did you create space for dialogue? Why is it all on him?
I believe people mirror for each other where they're at. Can you take what was reflected in this experience, you invested in someone not ready. Does that give you information?
Cary focused on how your friend might have felt, but still gave attention to your feelings at the end. You felt pissed because in my opinion perhaps you wanted more of what you felt. You want to be "right". My perspective is the truth is in the middle here.
You were not "bad". I don't think you did anything "wrong". You were human, as was your friend and apparently he was not able to be where ever you wanted him to be (not necesarily a lover.)
He sent crossed signals. Where might you have done the same, perhaps in a different fashion? OR refused to pick them up? Personally I would have been very cautious with a person who had just experienced the kind of traumas you related he had recently gone through. (A FIVE YEAR RELATIONSHIP?) My experience is when the rubber hits the road, in those circumstances, the shutting down begins.)
A lot of this was given to you. The fact that you blew it off says sommething to me.
Ken
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Sorry Belle
[Read the article: I don't understand men!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Sorry Belle. I need to read these things futher down. But my advice to LW still stands.
I think you've answered your own questions.
"...I constantly wonder whether he just didn't love me enough (although while we were together I felt very loved) - because if he did really love me, then he would never shut me out like this, right?"
No. People can love and have ambiguous and contradictory feeings at the same time.
"Yet I am reminded that I have had trouble feeling enough respect for him - so perhaps it's all interdependent."
Bingo. I don't think its either or. Just complex.
But it hurts. He most likely is hurting too.
Ken
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Life is exploration
[Read the article: My queer radical feminist peers are aghast that I want to marry]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW seems to be in a great place. Its interesting the "wait awhile" or "beware the age" cautions. From my perspective, marraige is not necessarily for life. Some are, many are not. It is one experience among many. We react and act to what draws us and calls to us from deep within. That is the best we can do in any moment. For LW, the inward voice joined with what appears to be a strongly developed inner adult is to marry. If down the road, problems arise that cause a break up, she will have gained from the experience. From her letter there seem to be no big red flags except social pressures from others as to "their" expectations. Maybe that's her karma, to face those demons and act from within anyway.
Go for it. There are no rules. Life is too diverse and grand for the boxes we create. Have a long and happy union.
Ken
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Not Just for Kids
[Read the article: "Cars"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The problem in assigning, and denying any failure, with "Cars, is that most critically acclaimed animation in recent years, from Pixar, Dream Works or whomever has been the multilayered approach, depth of characterization, and realization of plot, character, and writing. In other words, wit counts, aesthetics are important, depth matters and art is art whether aimed at multiple audiences or one. Foisting bad art off as "just forhe kids" is just a bad excuse. Especially for a company that made its bones doing the opposite and admittedly aiming higher.
Churning out new versions of the empty techno machine, as with every plastic, shallow action flick don't cut it.
Ken