Letters to the Editor
X. Paloverde
Published Letters: 9
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Plain Old Abuse.
[Read the article: My husband constantly upstages me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The problem is not you and in a way the problem is not your husband. The problem is Carey. His advice often borders on malpractice. He consistently over-psychologizes what are plain and simple cases of abuse, and tells beaten-down people that the problem is in their head--a place where Carey obviously spends too much time. You don't have a couples or marriage problem. Your husband may or may not be mentally ill (it does sound like he has a form of narcissitic personality disorder), but more importantly, he is abusive and controlling and has made serious, ongoing efforts to isolate you. The strange detached tone that other posters have commented on is because you are disoriented and traumatized. Bad people and criminals do that to you. Do not, whatever you do, go to a couples therapists. They have a financial incentive to keep you coming to couples therapy, even though it has been proven comprehensively that couples therapy is completely ineffective in getting abusive spouses (read: husbands) to stop abusive behavior. Hello, news flash: there really is such a thing as a patriarchy. Abusive men don't stop abusive, controlling behavior for one simple reason: it works quite well. Your husband is effectively controlling your entire life. The only solution is to leave. Don't tell him or try to discuss it with him. If you do, I guarantee his behavior will escalate, quite possibly into actual violence. Consult counselors at a domestic violence center and develop a plan to safely escape. Corral and protect your finances and bank accounts. Then, when you are safely away from him, find the time to go talk to a therapist to process the trauma and see if you there were ways in which you could have made better choices, or ways in which your own life has led you to expect abuse. Don't listen to stupid, oblivious, apolitical people who airily tell you you really want the abuse, your mate could change, or that couples counseling could help. Save yourself. Your life matters. Good luck.