Letters to the Editor
X. Paloverde
Published Letters: 9
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I thought it was just that time of the month?
[Read the article: Cops arrested my partner for felony heroin possession]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Yes, of course: the LW should consult a family lawyer, change the locks, get tested for HIV and Hep C, and gently but comprehensively evict the partner from her life ASAP.And she should tell anyone who tells her different to STFU. And not politely, either. But I disagree with all the respondents who have focused on the addiction issue, writing in detail about the intransigence of addicts, the false hope of rehab, the hopelessness of the situation, etc. While all this is perfectly true, it's not really the issue of this letter, which to me, is how disturbingly, even dangerously, out of touch with her emotions the LW is. The partner was using HEROIN and she really, truly, had no clue something major was wrong? She thought that it was just "PMS cycles"?!! Sure we can be honestly deceived by partners, but when it is to this gross extent, some of the dishonesty is being practiced by us upon ourselves. And the child has not even mentioned the absence of the other parent?? Then something has been deeply, very wrong for a long time, and the LW, by not "noticing" it, has been participating in the weirdness. The LW's way of talking about her "relationsihp" is bizarrely abstract, sketchy, and vague. Something is very wrong here--not drug addiction, but the LW's denial. The drugs are just the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Yes, dump the partner posthaste, but don't, then, think that everything is "fixed" and that the "bad person" has been righteously defeated--that's just more of the same fairytale denial the LW seems to be addicted to herself. For the sake of her child the LW needs to get rid of the "I'm the good one" story she's running on herself and figure out what is going on with herself. Get back to that therapist or better yet get a new one. Do it for the sake of this kid so that evil cycles do not perpetuate themselves.
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Cary to LW: Yes, dear, you are crazy ....
[Read the article: Some drunken chick is texting my husband while we're sleeping]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Once again, Cary's advice toward a female LW with a completely rational concern is patronizing, idiotic, and smugly suggests that the problem is basically all in her head. No, LW, you should not go sit on a beach and write in your journal thoughtful ruminations about your trust issues: you should drive yourself to the office of a P.I. and a divorce lawyer. I'm pleased to see that the vast majority of respondents here show much more kindness and common sense in their advice. (with the exception of Chris W. No, the problem is NOT with the LW herself.) As to whether the husband has actually been physically unfaithful with this woman: probably, given his history--and if not with the drunken girl, surely with others. But it's abundantly clear he's unfaithful in a larger sense: his loyalties are toward his friends and workmates, he's barely ever at home, and he's rude, uncaring, and deals with his spouse's legitimate concerns by "gaslighting" her and ordering her not to ask him questions. Excuse me, can anyone say "controlling and verbal abuser?" Never mind if he's had sex with another woman: he's a JERK. I think the basic rule here is: even if you're a full-blown schizophrenic, if your spouse deals with your concerns by calling you crazy--dump his so-sane ass! Gaslighting is pure evil and you won't ever be able to stop them from doing it. I should know, I WAS married to a Gaslighter. They will slowly destroy your sanity until you are actually crazy. Get out now! If you have no children, I agree with AKA Smith that there is no question that your next step should be a P.I., tests for STDS, closing out mutual bank accounts, and a DIVORCE LAWYER.
And I agree with another writer who suggested that AKA Smith should take over the advice column.
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One Note of Caution...
[Read the article: My molester financed my college education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]All of the advice given here is good. One thing, though, to be careful about: many people have mentioned taking anti-depressants. They are definitely very, very helpful to most people (they really lifted my mother out of a serious depression), but a not-insignificant minority of the populace (perhaps as many as ten percent) lack certain receptors in the liver and cannot properly metabolize these drugs, causing a too-high concentration of the medication in the bloodstream. This results in all kinds of brain havoc and can actually make a depression dangerously worse--for a person with a suicidal depression, a life-threatening side effect. If the LW begins using SSRI medication, she should make sure to start at a tiny, nearly homeopathic dose (a quarter of the minimum dose) and only work her way up very slowly to a standard dose, all the while being carefully monitored by a psychiatrist for any signs of trouble. If the therapist scoffs at that or tells her that a worsening depression is just "temporary", she should find another one, one who is familiar with the issue of "slow" metabolizers. Not all therapists are educated about these "side effect" issues, and a few, seeing a worsening depression, will even INCREASE the dose, which can be devastating. Anti-depressants are a powerful, useful weapon in the war against depression, but for a minority, they can be hazardous. Proceed carefully. Be assertive, even aggressive, about saving your own life, LW.