Letters to the Editor
X. Paloverde
Published Letters: 9
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Horrified.
[Read the article: My dad is a writer -- a very, very bad writer!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Reading this letter almost made me ill--I flashed to my own childhood with an obsessive, narcissistic father who variously believed himself to be a writer, actor, etc. And reading some of these responses makes me as angry as a rape victim listening to people minimize rape. These people have no idea how it feels to be terrorized into continuous lies, continuously reassuring the (so-called) parent of his talent, etc. It's not too much to say it is a form of emotional rape. Those who are blathering on about writer's schedules and being nice to dear old dad SO don't get it. I am writer and however self-involved I get, I don't treat others this way. And it's not cuz I'm so moral, it's because I'm (basically) sane. This has nothing to do with creativity. It's about a man with a severe personality disorder who has terrified and abused his family into participating in his delusions. The LW has two options: death (emotional, spiritual even literal) or, as Cary advised, standing strong and declining to passively participate in his/her own violation. It is useless to argue, reason with, humor, therapize, or trick this father. Part of coming to terms with a mentally ill and/or abusive parent is giving up: accepting you can't reach them. Cary is right: just say no. That is finally what I had to do with my own father: for ten years, I absented myself from his life, only connecting with him again in his last illness. It was sad to see his final desolation (everyone had left him), but then, severe mental illness IS sad. That doesn't mean you commit suicide in solidarity.
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re: Shame on You
[Read the article: My dad is a writer -- a very, very bad writer!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Yeah, I remember self-righteous busybodies like Ellenewmark telling me I had no right to cut off my dad, and what kind of a self-involved ingrate was I? Then then they would spend ten minutes with my father, and suddenly, bang, disappear ...
Until you've walked a mile in our shoes--i.e. having a parent with a severe narcissistic disorder (look it up and educate yourself on this mental illness) do not judge. No parent has the right to ask his children to emotionally annihilate themselves. Children who cut off abusive parents are like animals who gnaw off their leg to escape the trap. It hurts like hell, it leaves you lamed for life, and what hurts worse are the ignorant, judgental comments of those like ellenewmark. Shame on YOU.
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Hello? Guns?
[Read the article: My ex-con neighbor owes me money]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The neighbor may not have a working car, but you can be sure he's got a functioning Glock. Cary's advice is life-threatening. As is those who suggest you try a fistfight, martial arts, or baseball bats. Yeah, right, like we live in that world anymore. This isn't a rerun of "Grease" or a Chuck Norris show. When a regular person physically confronts a psychopath, the psychopath will win. Always. That's not defeatism, that's knowledge, and knowledge is power. Fear truly is the beginning of wisdom. LW, forget the small amount of money, silly attempts to recreate Mayberry in the modern world, or that you feel dissed and unmanned. You screwed up with a series of foolish decisons. Lesson learned. Now focus on the important thing: not being murdered. Call the P.O. and cops. Let professionals with their own guns handle it. Until the guy disappears, lie low and do your best to avoid him. And if he doesn't disappear, move. Live to fight another day.
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Adolf Hitler: Perhaps Deeply Flawed?
[Read the article: After my husband died of cancer I found he'd been cheating]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"Imperfect"? Another pompous, inept response from Cary. Two years of involved, ongoing deception (a trip to Hong Kong?!), plus the nasty, passive-aggressive action of leaving the evidence for the widow to find, qualifies in my corny world as a major marital betrayal, not mere imperfection. Which, as other respondents have pointed out, is a word best suited to irritating flaws and minor lapses in judgement. Not this.
Sure he may have been half-crazy from his illness, yes at least he didn't steal all her money, no he didn't leave a ticking bomb under the house set to blow up the minute his heart stopped pumping. Granted. At monstrous husbands go, he wasn't all that monstrous. But. This is still a serious trauma and mind-f---. This woman needs to talk to a professional therapist to deal with a shit storm of this magnitude. She can't just wander around her house with an umbrella up, murmuring about imperfection. We can't help her, but at least we can validate that she's right to feel devastated, instead of implying, as Cary subtly does, that she's over-reacting.
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Adoption might be the important point here ...
[Read the article: I secretly hate myself]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I am surprised so few respondents have mentioned the adoption issue. Adoption is a good and necessary thing which mostly works out, but occasionally it goes badly awry. In my own experiences, I have seen some adoptive situations where goodwill was there, but it was nonetheless an awkward fit and nobody seemed very happy. Biology is a real force in human affairs. Even with my own genetic children, I find myself favoring the one who seems to have the greatest genetic similarity to me. It's not intentional, I stop when I find myself doing it, but it makes me feel that adoption might be a very difficult process, especially when the adoptive parents are not very self-aware or intelligent people, and might feel some sense of failure in not physically creating their "own" children.
Also, the LW may have feelings about her adoption that are magnifying or distorting her view of herself and the adoptive parents. Everyone's advice is okay, but I think the LW might benefit the most from joining a therapy group for adoptees, or at least finding an online forum of adoptees. She might find more comfort there than anywhere else.