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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
eugene skinner
Published Letters: 13
Cary's advice was fine and the reply entitled "Wait" was right on. Suppose this guy smokes for 25 years and dies after his kids graduate from college. Tragic? Sure, but not more so than what most of us deal with by the time we're 30.
Compare that with maintaining two households, the financial mess of that, sharing holidays, eventually dating and getting involved with step-parents who may or may not connect with the kids, all of that loss and insecurity.
Compare that with the inconvenience of smelling smoke on a persons clothes. So what? The smell of cigars still reminds me of my dad. He eventually quit, and tobacco hasn't killed him yet. Something else will.
I have friends whose parents were heavy smokers their whole lives. They some of them have died. Some of them are dying awful deaths. But they live well otherwise. Nobody wishes they hadn't been along for the ride.
For sure the control issue is central here. Don't they say that there's nothing worse than a reformed addict?
Live and let live a little. Let go and let Buddha.
There's a great book called "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" that contains a wealth of good quotes. Here's one: "The best way to control your sheep or cow is to give it a wide, spacious meadow."
Drop it.
Wait and see what happens.
There's often one truth about a situation while it is going on and another truth that is revealed after it is over. In other words, there is no truth about it, just perspective. I wouldn't be too troubled about whether what you had was genuine, whether she really loved you, whether you really loved her.
It was what it was. It's over, that's for sure. Move on.
If the writer is not available, why bother finding out where this is going. Friendship is not the question as there is no basis for a friendship. There is only an attraction and an awkward relationship.
Drop it. Read the newspaper. Be polite. Let it go.
First, this letter is not for real - it's a writing project. If this situation were real (not impossible, just improbable), then Cary's advice would be sound: tell Dad to get it together and
move on since you're not ready to take on this responsibility.
But there is one more possibility. Make a pact with the kid and, if she's amenable, agree to take job. Four years of step-child finishing school in exchange for a life of wealth and leisure. Not a bad trade off.
Sit the two of them down. Lay it out. Marry Dad. Educate the Kid. It's a four year project, and at that point everything gets renegotiated. If you succeed, great. If you fail, everybody goes their separate ways.
I agree with conn, who said that the Steelers don't give up that many points, nor do they score that many.
How about 24-17? I don't know who wins, but I'm pulling for Kurt Warner. The key is to deceive Polamalu, who will dive onto any pile you create. Play action and misdirection are the keys for Arizona.
"I would love to wait around for this second man to see if he eventually decides that he would like to marry me and have children, but I feel like I may be wasting my time."
You are wasting your time.
I'd like to offer another point of view about oral culture because I think it was dismissed too perfunctorily in Cary's response.
Actually, the things people say and the stories they tell do not vanish just because they are oral. Much is preserved and passed on - that's the culture part. Other people listen and repeat both the form and substance of what was said. Ideas are transmitted. Entire stories are remembered. Useful or clever phrases are picked up on and spread rapidly, becoming enduring parts of languages.
Cataloging the entire corpus of human speech (or keyboarding)is not realistic or desirable. Collective selection from the whole dialogue is what creates value.
Think about comedy, for example. We know certain things - cultural matters, mostly - that can be manipulated for humorous purposes. We laugh at impressions because we recognize the tone of voice and style of speaking of the well-known person being imitated. George Carlin talks about the Modern Man, and we recognize the stereotypes he's making fun of as well as the glib language that we all use to talk about them. (I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.) Both the familiar ideas and the innovative way they are played with are what make us laugh.
There's nothing funny about machines storing and cataloging all of our ideas for retrieval by future generations. On the other hand, I think I have an angle for my next screenplay.
Watch the Woody Allen movie, Deconstructing Harry, for some insight into how this might turn out. Then change the names. Change Jan to Nan. Change Toni to Tori. Change Saul to Paul.
There's a good general principle for you, one that will serve you well in any relationship: hang your own laundry. Value what you value, but take on the responsibility.
If it's wrong to drive, don't drive. Inspire others with your example. Make them envy your economical lifestyle. But don't let the air out of their tires.
If you think the laundry should be done in a particular way, do it that way - yourself.
If your partner is insisting that you inconvenience yourself to conform with his idea of how things ought to be done, invite him to do it in that mannner - himself.
I took the Spock comparison as a compliment.
We elected him because he seemed to be the candidate who would think and take appropriate action. We've specifically rejected those who operate from their gut. The next guy who talks about his gut gets punched in it.
Work efficiently for 8 hours and then go home.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
219 Democrats and one Republican join in favor of the legislation, which passed by a narrow margin
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Salon headlines in your mailbox
